Every little girl’s dream is to grow up, meet her prince charming, and make the walk down the aisle… one time. I don’t know of any little one saying, “Mommy, when I grow up I want to be married 2 times!” 🙂 That was humor in case you missed it! Well, I was like all little girls with hopes and dreams. As I grew older, I had a list of what I thought to be the “perfect man” and wanted a huge wedding! Years passed and I had not yet fulfilled that dream. When I was in college I met the love of my life. Turned out that we were just like the characters in “My Best Friend’s Wedding.” When I was 33 I met a man that I very quickly “fell in love with.” He has pursued me quite persistenly and I would have nothing to do with him for a very long time. One day the clouds parted, the angels sang, and I “fell in love with him.” We were married just a few months later.
Well, that wedding (small and intimate) to the “man of my dreams” (the only thing from my list of the ‘perfect man’ was that he was a ‘man’) was eleven years ago today… August 2, 1997, in San Luis Obispo, CA. He was the first man to profess his undying love to me and told me that in his eyes, I was perfect. That should have been my first red flag. We married on a warm Saturday in a beautiful location, by our pastor and friend. A few family and friends were there, and it was a perfect day! Everything went off without a hitch. I was the happiest girl on the planet and felt like a beautiful princess! Our day ended with a carriage ride through downtown San Luis Obispo! It was perfect! Actually, our day ended with other things, but this blog is “family-friendly!” 🙂
So, here I am, eleven years later, thinking about the events of the day back in 1997, and wondering if this infamous day will ever leave the radar of my heart? Does a girl ever forget her wedding day and the man that she loved with all her heart? I won’t bore you with the details of how and why things did not work out. Needless to say, I am left with a chunk of my heart that is missing and will never be replaced. I wish those missing heart pieces would regenerate like our livers do, with absolutely no sign of a wound! Today, my thoughts are more questions about how I am really feeling. Am I angry, sad, resentful, bitter, feeling like a failure, embarrassed, grateful, relieved? My feeling meter today is rather flat. Maybe I need to do a battery check along with my house smoke alarms! I saw a picture of my ex husband (I hate that label) recently and he looks exactly the same. I managed to pick apart a few things “that always drove me nuts” just to make myself feel better!
All this to say… well, I am not sure what I wanted to say! Life changes and moves on. Things that we think are a “forever deal” may not turn out to be so. We have to take the tough times in our lives and find the good in them. Time is a powerful thing and gradually eases the pain – or at least I am banking on that! My sadness is less this year then it was last year (10th anniversary) and I am hoping that eventually this day will “not live in infamy” and become “just another day” on the calendar of life. I think we all have at least one event in our lives that we would like to put in a quiet dark place for safe keeping.
This story does have a happy ending. That might be another blog entry on another day! Just know that sometimes good things in life come back around and you get a second chance. And no…. that second chance was not with my ex husband, and as each year passes, I think that is a good thing. Ahhhhh,the power of healing…
PS – I thought about posting a wedding picture, but decided against it. First of all, I gave them all to my step-daughter, and I do need to preserve the privacy of her father.