Anxiety… it’s like a heavy dark curtain falls over you and everything you’ve ever worried about comes to the surface. It manifests itself physically. I’ve never experienced anything else like it. It’s debilitating. It keeps you up at night. It makes you feel like your life is ending. At times it makes you wish your life were ending.
I’ve come to realize over the past 9 days that I’ve never really suffered in my 50 years on this planet. I’ve hurt emotionally. I’ve hurt physically for short periods of time. I’ve been depressed. But never have I felt like I have for the past nine days.
It comes at random times, beginning when I wake up in the morning. Some days it stays longer. Some days, like today, it seemed to be at bay and then hit like a brick to the head. It comes with nausea and heartburn. It goes from the physical to mental. Suddenly, everything gets bigger and scarier. The other night I truly thought I was going to die. It’s scary.
There is medication to hopefully keep the feelings at bay. I caved and have started them. Unfortunately, it takes some time for things to click in. Meanwhile, the wait seems endless.
I’ve cried out for prayer and definitely felt God’s presence. I want God to swoop down and take it away. That’s not happening. I’m continually reading scriptures (especially the Psalms), worshiping and praying… and praying… and praying. I’ve begged… I’ve pleaded… I’ve cried. I know I’m not alone.
At times it feels that I’m alone, but then I hear His soft whisper. I feel His touch on my heart. I hear His still small voice assuring me that He is near… never leaving my side. I’ve given up asking why. I’ve taken to saying “thank you” and praising Him through this storm. I’ve started asking what He wants me to glean from this. How will this change my life for the better. Where can I grow through my suffering?
I’ve got professional responsibilities next week. The week after that I really have to go back to work. I’ve questioned the timing over and over. Again, I’ve got to lay it all down and trust that He will see me through and give me just what I need at just the right moment. Meanwhile, I will suffer more. Why not me? Others suffer in far greater ways than my anxiety. My pain is my pain, and I can’t beat myself up. I need to ride this one out with the support of my amazing friends who have come along side me… and my heavenly papa.
He knows my need… to my suffering He is no stranger. I will continue to lift my eyes to the heavens and rejoice in another day. A day that may be more difficult than I can imagine. But this storm will pass. In the meantime, I will continue to praise Him, remembering the suffering He endured on the cross for me.