Never Have I Understood…

They say that through struggle we grow the most.  I’ve always nodded and agreed… amen.  Wow, never did I know truth in that simple statement until these past two weeks. In several previous posts I have shared my recent battle with anxiety and depression.  The pain and struggle for days on end seemed almost unbearable at times.  I was no longer able to control my world.

Early on I began crying out to Jesus.  Along with that I tried medication.  That was a disaster and only set me back further.  I continued to cry out to the heavens… day in and day out.  Sometimes the cries were more like groans and I could barely breathe.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt the presence of the Holy Spirit as powerfully as I have lately.

Each morning I begin my day by reading Jesus Calling (Sarah Young). Each day I am blessed beyond measure when the message for that day spoke directly to me and my situation.  I reflect and pray over the truths that God has placed on my life.  I rebuke the lies of the enemy… often!   I have come to realize that I have 50 years of lies behind me and 50 more that the enemy wants to set before me.

A friend recently shared that depression is rooted in what happened yesterday and anxiety is fed by what will happen tomorrow.  Neither of these matter.  Yesterday is done… forgiven… and over.  Tomorrow is not here yet.  Heck, I’ve come to realize that “this afternoon” is not even here yet!  There is nothing I can change about yesterday and nothing I can do about what is not here yet.  I’ve got to live in the moment… my joy is in this moment.  As fragile as life is, I’d better relish right now and where He has me.

I’ve spent a great deal of time listening to music.  I’ve created a Healing & Restoration playlist in my iTunes.  I’ve listened to the truths of God’s healing grace and mercy.  I’ve surrendered, wept, prayed… over and over again.

One song in particular that has been my cry the past day or so… and will continue to be, is Oceans by Hillsong.  The end of the song is this…

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my savior.

I will call upon your name.  Keep my eyes above the waves.  My soul will thirst in your embrace.  I am Yours and You are mine.

Oh, how I pray these words from the depths of my soul.  NEVER have I understood like I do right now the magnitude of God’s love and mercy.  NEVER have I wanted more than anything to walk in that most intimate place with Jesus.

My journey has now taken a turn… and I NEVER want to go back from whence I came.  I know that my battles will continue to rage.  The enemy is lapping at my feet as I type these words.  But my hope is on the One greater than anyone could ever imagine.  My strength comes from God and God alone.  Oh, I have amazing family and friends in my life to love, support, pray and encourage me on this journey… and for each one of them I’m eternally grateful.

I’ve spent the past two weeks letting go of things of the past.  Now, I get to embrace the struggle of not worrying about tomorrow.  For in the moment, I am loved… and He knows every thought before I think it and every word before I speak it.

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One comment

  1. Jenny thank you for sharing. You are courageous to share these truths. Someone out there is going to read them and feel less lonely, less alienated. You are the messenger someone needs.

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