Healing Emotions…

Emotions are powerful. 

I’ve lived in a sea of swirling emotions for the past 3 months or so. Significant birthdays… anniversary… graduation… wedding… grand baby. 

All of these emotions are wonderful… memories made! It’s been quite wonderful! 

I’ve learned that sometimes new emotions can uncover old ones. That is my quiet space this morning.  An old emotion that I’ve worked hard to process and bury over time. 

Not quite…

When I held our grandson for the first time I experienced an emotion I’ve never felt before.  Watching momma with her new son sparked an emotion around something I’ve never experienced. I’ve been struggling to even begin to describe the feelings I am having or why they are so strong. 

This morning I woke after a restless night and it hit me. 

I, as a grand parent, have experienced something that is quite miraculous and beautiful. I now realize that the deep emotion in the depths of my heart and soul is my own personal lack of this experience. 

As people stood around the room talking about their own pregnancy and birth experiences, I sat quietly listening… as I’ve done most of my life. 

I have no children born naturally to me. I’ve not experienced pregnancy nor the miracle of birth. Along with that comes a host of emotions of things lost. I will never be “the mom” that birthed a child. I can’t compare my stories to others… the list goes on.  

I’ve processed most of these over the years. I have always hoped and prayed I’d at least get to be a grandma! My wish came true! 

Wow… little did I know the emotions I’d feel last Thursday when I laid eyes on this little miracle. I can’t compare my emotions with anyone else’s, but now I have a little more clarity as to why mine have been so strong and deep.

I stand in awe of God and how He orchestrates life. The miracle of how He created a woman’s body to bring life into this world. I’ve had the privilege to watch my bonus daughter as she progressed through her pregnancy and listen to her talk about how things have been changing. I’ve been able to take some beautiful photographs of her along the way. Now I get to watch the miracle of motherhood unfold. God has created her to be a mom and she is a natural. I’m witnessing first hand her love and nurturing of this little being that is relying on her and her alone for his life! I’ve tried to imagine what that must feel like from her perspective… it overwhelms me.

Yes, I can honestly say I wish I’d had the privilege of birthing my own child. To walk through the 9 months and experience the miracle of birth. To raise a child that has my eyes or my temperament. To know that when I die, I’ve left a little piece of me behind. God had other plans for my life and that’s okay. I’ve had this beautiful experience becoming a grandma and will have more before my time is up. I am blessed. 

So, today I grieve a little as I look forward with anticipation to our next visit and that sweet time to hold him and dream of the memories we will make with this precious little peanut! 

NOTE:

**This blog is merely a purging of emotions that I needed to process. It’s not a cry for sympathy for anyone to feel bad for me. I’m perfectly happy with my life and where God has brought me. It’s the circle of life and the layers that need to be dealt with along the way**