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My Battle…out in the open

It all began with a mirror. 

I’ve been “heavy” my whole life.  Never have I known a time when I was thin or “normal.”  Normal… what is normal? I come from a family of 8 children and 6 were “normal” and two of us were “heavy.” 

While I’ve always been heavy, my self perception has been okay. In my mind I’ve felt that I was just like everyone else. Then when I’d see a picture or see myself in a dressing room mirror I’d seem shocked and dismayed. Regardless, I’ve always worked hard to love myself no matter what.  After all, God created me and He made me pretty darn awesome! 

In the 35 adult years of my 55, I’ve tried every diet known to man. I’ve purchased programs, books, vides and everything in between. I’ve also joined and cancelled gym membership after gym membership.

I can picture myself eating healthy and exercising. It excites me! I can get myself motivated and ready to make a change… tomorrow. I may or may not get started on a new venture to only self sabotage and fizzle out. All the while still feeling okay about myself and this “burden” that I’ve been chosen to carry. I read once that if weight were not my issue to keep me pressed into God, then it would be something else. 

This past week I traveled to Colorado for a conference. This is where my current story begins. I left feeling very aware of my current situation. Clothes were tighter and it was tough to choose what to take. I’m dealing with plantar fasciitis and carrying extra weight does not help at all.  Traveling in the cheap seats on the plane was tough. I was wedged in next to my thin friend for two long hours. Luckily we chatted and that made the time pass more quickly. Upon arriving I could hardly walk from sitting for so long. Add insult to injury, I have to turn a bit sideways to get through the narrow aisles as I walked to leave the plane. 

Everything about the trip there was physically uncomfortable and my self esteem was very fragile. We arrived at the beautiful resort and headed to our room. First things first, I had to use the little girls room! I sat (or plopped) down on the toilet that seemed to be nearly on the ground. I let out a huge sigh and looked in front of me. There, hanging from the top of the door to the floor was a giant mirror. I was sitting on the toilet staring at myself with my pants down around my ankles. Needless to say, I was horrified! I had truly never seen such a sight. I mentioned earlier that in my mind I feel normal. Well, this confirmed my suspicions… I’m not normal. 

It took my breath away. I was astonished and shocked and immediately very sad. It all came together… in that mirror. 

My goal over the past 5 years or so has been to just be healthy. I’m learning to love myself and treat me like I treat those I love. I’ve had success and failures. For the most part I’m healthy… except for my weight. I am good at doing the wellness things I need to do to avoid doctors and medications. But my being heavy has gone too far. I’ve always been able to do what everyone else could do despite my weight and now that has come to an end and that mirror was the final straw. 

I guess I’ve hit the proverbial “rock bottom.” My prayers for years have been for me to be able to “wake up” and make changes before a major medical issue forces me to. 

Now as I sit on the bottom and look up, I’m deathly afraid. I need to make a major life change and I’ve never been successful in the past. This time it’s a matter of life or death. If I don’t turn my life around now I will go down the path of my dear sister Kate whose life was cut short due to morbid obesity and inactivity. 

No more excuses. No more tomorrows. No more. 

As I sit here typing this, I have no idea what path I’m going to travel to get out of the darkness I’m sitting in. There are a million options and programs and things I can do. I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. Now to “just do it.” 

Today I’m going to get on my knees before my heavenly Father and lay it at His feet. That’s step one. I need to stop projecting out how I want things to go. I need to take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I’ve experienced some hard things in my life but this for me is the hardest. It’s my battle and I need to put on my armor and begin to fight. I’m hoping by making my battle public that you might lift me up in prayer if I cross your mind. Maybe you are facing the same battle as me and we can encourage one another. Maybe you have another cross to carry and your battle feels impossible like mine. I’m going to lean in towards heaven as I travel this path… join me and we can travel together with God leading the way. There is still work to do on this earth and I’m not ready to be done. 

Lord, open me up and let Your light in. Today is a new day full of your mercy and grace. I’m waking up and need You. Amen

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