Adulting

July 21, 2018 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

What a year it’s been with 5 months still to go! Some years have come and gone and been full of heartache and sadness… harder than others.

2018 has been a year full of change, excitement and wonder!! Busy. Full. Fast.

Both my husband and I turned 55. Double Nickel! Fifty Five! Who is 55? It always seemed that old people were 55. Well now we are and we are not old! Funny that perspective change as we age!

I have three bonus children. Our youngest graduated HS. When I moved here 12 years ago he was 6. Our oldest got married a few weeks ago. When I moved here she was about to turn 10. Our middle daughter is weeks away from having a baby boy. When I moved here she was 7.

As we have watched them grow up and journey through the many family challenges we’ve had, our conversations at times were about where they would land when they became adults. It always seemed so far off. Some days we wished them old and wise… away from the tumultuous teen years. Other times we wished them to stay young and innocent.

Today we sit in awe and wonder at the changes in the past 6 months. No more school events. We have a new son-in-law. Soon we will be grandparents… Papa B and Nana J! We are now eligible for a level of senior discounts! AARP baby!! It all feels a bit surreal.

So far on this journey, we have all made it! And it hasn’t been without joys and sorrows. Honestly, there were moments when I wasn’t sure we’d ever make it to this point. So here we are and I am full of excitement and deep emotion. We joke about all of the kids now officially “adulting.” I guess then we are “adult adulting!”

This time in life always seemed like a dream to me and so far off. Now it’s here and it’s grand! We love “adulting” with the kids! We do miss the days when they were younger, but this time of life is wonderful! As I’m having conversations with our momma-to-be about her life and the new life she is about to begin, I think back on all of the things I did that were good bonus parenting moments and all of the not-so-good bonus parenting moments. Thankfully, God’s mercies are new every day and His grace abounds!

We all grow and change. We’ve all said and done things we’ve regretted and things we remember fondly. This doesn’t feel like a new chapter but a whole new book! Volume 2 – “Adulting!”

I couldn’t have imagined what this would be like. I can’t even really describe it now. We are in the next phase of all of our lives and it is exciting and scary. Lives are changing and people are growing old.

(The growing old thing is another blog for another day.)

I’m sitting here in a new office space typing this and I’m looking at a wall decoration from a dear friend hanging directly in front of me… HOPE is what it says. I am hopeful and confident that the good things the Lord has started in our family will continue as He walks us all through the next phases of our lives. We can’t look back with regret and we can’t look forward with anxiousness.

We are…

Right here. Right now. Just as we are. Loving no matter what…even when it’s difficult. Challenging relationships at new levels. Leaving behind the things that were hard and being hopeful for the things to come.

Life is a gift and everyday we get to choose how we spend it. I am choosing to be full of HOPE and excitement for what is next for all of us.

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Expectations…

December 17, 2017 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

Expectations. We all have them. We all have them imposed upon us.

Webster says that an expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. Yep… my life has been full of expectations.

My biggest expectations come around the holidays. I tend to have a little Norman Rockwell in me and I imagine perfect family gatherings… like the ones you see on TV commercials and in the movies. Fabulous food (all hot at the same time!) around a beautifully set table (that fits everyone) and conversation that is bright and cheery, reminiscing days gone by.

Like I said… expectations… and this does not happen in my world.

Nine times out of ten I’m disappointed when all is said and done, along with exhausted from trying to make it happen.

My rose colored glasses have gotten in the way of expectations in marriage. In gaining a family after getting married.

Christmas is the most difficult for unmet expectations. Every year I say I’m not going to get my hopes up and every year I have feelings of disappointment. I imagined starting some Christmas traditions which never materialized. Some of the expectations I have are not worth sharing, as they are a bit shallow. They have actually been an expectation since I was a child and they have wandered their way into my adult life. Every year I promise myself I won’t let them get me down.

As I read Ann Voskamp’s The Greatest Gift one morning recently, I came across these words…

Expectations can come steal the gifts.

I’ve come to realize that I set an agenda for God each Christmas. Ann Voskamp says that when we have an agenda for God, we can’t see the gifts from Him. I am missing out on so much because I have MY idea of what I want to happen. As I’ve pondered this truth this past week, I’m praying that I can finally shake my years of expectations and settle in to all that God has in store for me and for my family. This year I’m open to receive His gifts and leave my expectations at the door. Oh the anticipation!

I am more sinful and flawed than I ever dared believe, more loved and welcomed than I ever dared hope. -Elyse M. Fitzpatrick

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The Anticipation of Advent…

December 2, 2017 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

…For a second you catch a whiff in the air of some fragrance that reminds you of a place you’ve never been and a time you have no words for. You are aware of the beating of your heart. The extraordinary thing that is about to happen is matched only by the extraordinary moment just before it happens. Advent is the name of that moment. (Frederick Buechner)

As I child, I couldn’t wait for the toy catalog to come in the mail! It was big and the pages were shiny and filled with toys! We would sit for hours pouring over the pages and marking things we wanted. If there would have been brightly colored sticky notes back in the day it would have looked like a flower with all of the colorful petals sticking out of the sides!

Oh how we dreamed of the coming days of fun…more fun than we could ever imagine. If only we could have all of the things we dreamed of. This went on for weeks and we would leave the catalog out in obvious places for mom and dad to see. We mentioned them in conversations around the dinner table, in our Santa letters and to Santa himself when we sat on his lap. The anticipation of Christmas morning and getting something from those magical pages… there was nothing else like it!

This year, the beginning of Advent reminds me of this. I’m beginning 25 days of reading through my favorite book by Ann Voskamp called The Greatest Gift – Unwrapping the Full Love Story of Christmas. This will be my 5th Advent reading through it and I have more anticipation and excitement than ever before. I’ve let the negativity of the world and all that is happening right now get me down. I’ve let social media wear down my soul as I’ve spent countless hours reading and seeing all that others have that I don’t and all of the negative things that are making people feel anxious and angry. I’ve spent hours and hours looking out and not allowing God in.

So, today I’m giving myself a gift. The gift of Advent. Do you need to give yourself this gift as well?

So now we pause. Still. Ponder. Hush. Wait. Each day of Advent, He gives you the gift of time, so you have the time to be still and wait.

(A. Voskamp, The Greatest Gift)

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2016… What a Year!

December 31, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

2016… oh what a year! It’s one that will go down in history for so many reasons. I’ve managed to NOT let the stress of things of the world get me down. I’ve felt sad about the losses of well-known people who have passed away… people I’ve grown up with. I’ve managed to keep my emotions out of the presidential election. All I can do is pray for the days to come. I have no control of the worldly events of the past year.

All I can really control is the events of my life… and even those are not always controllable. I can think about the past year but can’t change a thing that has already happened. The story is written and published. All I can do it reflect on the words on each page, take what I can that will propel me positively into the new year and then close the book, placing it carefully on the shelf with the other 53 books.

2016 was a year. A year of hard work, new relationships, loss, struggle, new memories, career challenges, laughter, tears, loving, choosing to love, growth, new beginnings, dreams lost and dreams being realized…

There are some definite things I can take away from 2016. While I’d like to take away only the positive, I realize that it’s some of the tough things that will change me and motivate me in the coming year.

Here are my take-aways from 2016:

I have infinite worth! Enough said!

I am the only one that can determine how my day will unfold. It’s not the responsibility of my husband, friends or co-workers… it’s mine. I choose my attitude towards the day.

If I don’t include God in my day things tend to go south. Unfortunately I’ve allowed this to happen one too many times.

Everyday is a gift – wrapped with a beautiful bow. I get to choose how I open it and what I do with it. Some gifts can be large and fancy, while others might be little and seemingly unimportant. It’s up to me to look at each gift and cherish what it brings… not wishing and hoping for more or different. Gifts are all around us and sometimes we miss them. It’s the tiniest things that can bring the greatest joy!

Just when you think you’ve loved something so much and losing it will leave you empty forever… think again! Be bold and risk loving again!

Two kittens are better than one! Just saying!

As we move into 2017, my prayer for everyone is that we will all believe in our infinite worth and value. I pray our lives will reflect that. For me that means taking better care of myself… believing that I’m worth investing in. Even when that investment is difficult but necessary. I pray we all have others in our lives to share the journey. I pray that we can all do the two simple things that God asks of us… love God and love people. This feels more important than ever with the coming months and changes in our nation.

May 2017 bring abundant love, grace and passion in each of our lives. I leave you with this prayer.

“And now may the courage of early morning’s dawning,

And the strength of eternal hills at noontime,

And the peace of open spaces at evening’s ending,

And the love of God abide in your hearts now and forever.” Amen.

– Harry K. Zeller, from the BRETHREN HYMNAL

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Just Another Day…

August 2, 2016August 3, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

August 2, 1997. It was just another day for most. It was a big day for me. Happiest day of my life… or so they say. For 7 years it was a day that was celebrated. Today, 19 years later, it’s just another day. One day closer to summer being over and getting back to work.

Today I find myself filled with emotion. I’m sure it’s not all about that day 19 years ago, but that is a part of it. The part of me that came and went in 7 short years. That is not what I envisioned on that sunny day in San Luis Obispo. It was a whirlwind relationship that happened fast. He was taken by my “worship girl” lifestyle and I with his wild side and in love with being in love. Some of his first words to me were, “you are perfect the way you are.” That should have been a red flag, but it only fueled my desire to be loved and love.

Over the last 19 years I’ve loved and lost. I’ve laughed and cried. I’ve had my heart filled and emptied. I’ve had dreams come true and dreams shattered. I’ve come and gone. I’ve hurt and and been hurt. I’ve loved and been loved… and reloved.

Life gets so busy that sometimes I forget to stop and remember. I am a “date remembering” girl, but this far out, today would have been just another day had I not heard the date on the morning news.

August 2…

Emotions came flooding back. I think that I now have a storehouse of memories that the Lord wants me to keep in a special place. They no longer contain anger or hurt or regret. They are sweet and part of who I am today. Had I not journeyed on that short path with the amazing man that “fell in love with me” I might not be sitting where I am today… living the life I have now. It’s funny how one life decision can determine the days to come.

I have some wonderful take aways from that seven year union 19 years ago. My first kiss… and so on and so forth!! (insert blush) A beautiful bonus daughter who is now a mother of a sweet little guy. Family that will always hold a special place in my heart. Seven years of adventures with my “Marlboro Man!”

It’s not what I thought would happen. But it did. Things ended and ten years ago I decided to move away from the memories and at the time, the pain. Of course I was swayed by a tall handsome Irish boy from my past.

Several major life changes later and here I sit. I left a wonderful state I had lived in for 20 years and came home. Quit a really good job… got a new one… thankfully another really good one! Sold a home, bought a home, sold a home and bought another one! Rekindled old friendships and started new ones. Left love behind and had the great blessing of getting to relove and marry my first. I said goodbye to a wonderful bonus daughter and now have three more amazing bonus children. Life is good.

Yes, one simple date on the calendar and oh how the memories and emotions appear. Bittersweet. I am confidently thankful that my Father in Heaven has my journey all mapped out. On that sweet day 19 years ago, I never in a million years would have thought for a second my life would be what it is now. As wonderful as it is, it would not have made sense then. I’m so glad that we don’t get to see our future. Just one day at a time… living well and loving God and loving people.

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Seasons…Part of Living

July 26, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

today, tomorrow & every day – THOUGHTS ON LIVING A BRAVE AND REAL AND GORGEOUS LIFE. Written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Jill Labieniec.

Here are my continued thoughts on this amazing book I received as a gift.

“Things really changed,” she said, “when I started to be more generous to myself.”

“I began to try to live like a tree,” she said…

“Who understand that life is filled with seasons and each one has its worth. I stopped fearing the leaves falling away, the bare branches. I understood that spring would come, that summer would come, that it was all a part of my living.”

Seasons. I love the four seasons where I live! When the seasons change, so does life around us. We do things differently. Some seasons are more enjoyable than others. For me, winter is my least favorite. The sun does not shine as much and it’s cold. It takes more work to be outside. Occasionally I’m fearful of driving in winter weather. The lack of sunshine can cause some seasonal affective issues. We muddle through it and wait for spring.

Seasons of life are much the same. We experience things that change as time goes on.

Some seasons are wonderful! When relationships are thriving…life is good. When our job is going well… .life is good. When our health is strong… life is good.

At times we go through seasons that are not so wonderful. Troubled relationships… job stress or unemployment… health issues.

When in a season of struggle, I used to pray for it to be over or not happen at all. Over time I’ve learned to lean into the struggle and ride the wave…waiting for the Lord to show His presence. He never told us life would be easy, but He did tell us that He would be alongside us or holding us tight. It took some really difficult seasons for me to learn this. I’ve learned to praise Him in the storm.

Be still and know that I am God… my favorite Psalm. It’s being still in winter and finding the joy of the season I like the least. When things are tough, I’ve experienced great peace while life is crumbling around me. Pressing in to the Lord helps get us through the difficult time and ushers us into the next season.

I’ll be honest. I’ve never had a difficult season that has lasted for great lengths of time. I’ve known people that permanently live in struggle… at least in my perception. They’ve learned to stop fearing the struggle and find the joys. In a sense, they move in and out of joy and struggles in one day.

Seasons come and seasons go… that is all part of our lives. I want to be like that tree that stands tall and still as the seasons move around me. I want to be strong, even when I feel weak. I want to be full of life, even when I might be empty. I want to be more generous with myself… even when it’s difficult.

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Resiliency and Growth Over Time…

July 15, 2016July 15, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

today, tomorrow & every day – THOUGHTS ON LIVING A BRAVE AND REAL AND GORGEOUS LIFE. Written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Jill Labieniec.

Here are my continued thoughts on this amazing book I received as a gift.

She hadn’t always been this way. She hadn’t always been as strong and resilient and brave and joyful.

Like any garden or work of art, it had taken her a long time to make things the way there were. To learn. To arrange. To rearrange.

Sometimes, she grew as such in one year as others do in five. It showed in her spirit. In her laugh. It looked and it sounded like wisdom. And she liked it that way.

53 years. I’ve come along way. The change really started noticeably happening when I turned 50. But seeds were planted long before that. Life events that required me to be strong and resilient and brave… and joyful…regardless.

At times I stayed the same for many years. Other times I grew more quickly. I can look back now and see those moments in time.

Moving away from everyone and everything I knew and loved, to teach in California at the ripe old age of 23!
Moving back home to WA to pursue a job near family and not having success… back to CA I went!
Living alone in a strange house during a large earthquake.
Getting married at the age of 34… step-parenting with an ex that hated me!
Moving to a new city in CA and getting a new job… starting over.
Caring for my step daughter as she recovered from a horrific accident and a traumatic brain injury. (This one made me brave and strong and resilient and selfless)
Divorce… everything I ever believed about myself was challenged and questioned.
Sold my condo and moved back to WA.
New job… again.
Bought a house on my own.
Married the love of my life… step parent to three young children.
Lost both parents and one of my sisters.
Turned 50 and said, “The hell with it! I’m done trying to please everyone!”

Now I continue on this journey to live a brave and real and gorgeous life! I’ve got a lot of scars and old wounds to heal, as well as many wonderful memories to hold on to! I’ve listened to many people who have shared wisdom and counsel with me. I’ve shared my experiences with many… passing along the same. I’ve also talked less and listened more. I was recently told by someone very special to me that talking to me brought her peace. That must be what wisdom looks and sounds like. Jesus in skin.

How have you changed over time? What has happened your life to make you strong and resilient?

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today, tomorrow & every day…

July 14, 2016July 14, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

I recently received a very beautiful book from a friend.

today, tomorrow & every day THOUGHTS ON LIVING A BRAVE AND REAL AND GORGEOUS LIFE. Written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Jill Labieniec.

Aside from the powerful content of the writing, the book itself is beautiful, filled with illustrations and photographs. It is put together in the most amazing way visually. I read the words on the pages and was brought to tears. This book is speaking to the very place I am in my life and the direction I am heading.

I decided to share it with you… a little bit at a time accompanied by my personal reflections. You will get to experience the words, but will have to envision the pictures as your heart and mind see them.

It starts like this…

One day she stepped back and took a look at her life. A long, close look. As though it were a city she loved and she was flying high above it, so high that she could see the whole thing.

And she realized something: She liked what she saw. She liked where she had been. She liked where she was going.

When I read these first two pages, I paused and didn’t really want to turn the page. These words were rich and powerful. I closed my eyes and imagined looking at my life. I was overwhelmed. My mind went to more negative thoughts at first, but I was able to change my perspective. I “flew higher” and looked at the whole big picture. I was not completely sold on “liking” what I saw… thus the negative perspective. I realized that I have some work to do! I want to like what I see. I want to like where I’ve been. And I really want to like where I’m going.

And so the journey began! I didn’t realize until I opened the pages of this book that I am right here on this journey… at age 53, longing to live a brave and real and gorgeous life… today, tomorrow and every day. I don’t want to wish away days until something better comes along or changes. I want to be real and courageous today! I want to live out this life well.

As I unravel years and look closely at my life, I hope by the end I WILL like what I see, where I’ve been and where I’m going. This journey won’t be possible without Jesus, my family and amazing friends. I have all of those and I’m blessed.

Come along on this journey with me and begin today by stepping back and taking a look at your life. What do you see? Do you like it?

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Entering the Throne Room…

April 16, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life2 Comments

“In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” -Psalm 5:3

It’s so easy… yet so hard. I’m up early before leaving for work. I can’t just get up and go. I need time to prepare for the day. I need coffee and quiet time. I’ve got all of the tools necessary. Quiet and comfortable location (several options), coffee, journal and favorite pen, bible (several) and time.

GO!

Good morning, Lord…

Suddenly a million distractions come my way.

Oh wait! I need to find a good worship song (on my iPad!).

Now that scripture would be great to put on a photograph… and then I can put it on Instagram!

Hmmm, I wonder if anyone has commented on the one I put on yesterday? I’ll just check real quick…

Oh ya, my bible plan… back to business.

Lord, thank you for this new day. Please give me strength to get through this day and…

Wait! What time is it? Shoot, I need to be in the shower in 5 minutes!

I wonder if anyone commented on the photo album I put on FB last night? I’ll just do a quick check before jumping in the shower!

And that it how it plays out more mornings than I care to admit. To quote a great movie, “Squirrel!”

Some mornings are much better and my time is spent indulging in the sacredness of my Heavenly Papa.

While I’m confessing my innate ability to botch my morning quiet time with Jesus, some mornings don’t have any quiet time at all, although that is rare. I’ve tried to exercise first thing and that has been a disaster! I’ll save that for later in the day… if I get to it! Oh my, that is another blog for another day!

The other evening I was reading Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning. In the summer of 1992 he spent time alone in a cabin in the Colorado Rockies without TV, radio or any reading material. After reading about his experience I began to ponder what that would be like. Time alone with God with nothing else. No distractions but our own demons that keep us from that sweet time with the Lord. How long would it take before I could truly “be still and know”? (Psalm 46:10)

I wonder what I’m missing by letting the things of the world get in my way? What sacred indulgence does God have for me that I’ve missed because I’m too busy getting my sanctuary ready to be with Him?

What am I afraid of? Why is it difficult to go to the throne room without my coffee and journal and bible (AKA my iPad full of distractions)…?

Lord, Show me how to simply come before You and be in Your presence… uninterrupted so that I may partake of Your sacred indulgences awaiting me. In Jesus’ name… let it be done, let it be so…

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Sacred Indulgence…

April 10, 2016April 10, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

This past week I went on a trip to visit my sister. Away from home. Away from all of the responsibilities of my daily life.

While on my little getaway, we snuck away for a few days to a spa on the bay. On our way up we detoured and visited the tulip fields – a bucket list item for me. We took a sonic drive off the beaten path and the scenery was spectacular. Once to our destination the sun began to peak out. Our room was beautiful and the view spectacular. We ate out, walked along the water, shopped, and strolled around the little town. We also just relaxed and did a little bit of nothing.

While this was amazing, I found myself thinking about all of the things I should have been attending to at home during spring break.

Many people I know take these little trips all the time. It’s their normal. Not mine. This isn’t even a once a year even for me. It was truly a treat!

My ability to let down and relax is difficult. After all, I should be home taking care of my responsibilities. Now was the time to test a new way of thinking and acting!

On our last evening, we scheduled massages at the spa. Wow! The experience from start to finish was wild. Like nothing I’ve ever done. It was all about me the entire time. Life is rarely all about me. I’m all about everyone else from my job to my home. I spend most every day taking care of others.

I found parts of the spa experience easy to partake of, while others were difficult. The hardest part was not talking for an entire hour! And for that one hour I did absolutely nothing! I was completely still except for the actual massage happening. That doesn’t even happen when I sleep, as I toss and turn all night!

The massage was just part of a week of indulgences. An indulgence is the attitude of allowing yourself or someone else to have something enjoyable. It was a wonderful time! I had to step out of myself and let people “indulge” me. I had to…no, I GOT to… receive rather than give. That is a tough one for me. It is difficult for me to let others do for me. I am much more comfortable giving than receiving.

As I’ve contemplated the week, I’ve been drawn to think about my relationship with the Lord. I’m good at giving to Him. I give Him my “prayers” or lists of things I’d like Him to help me with. I give Him time most days, but honestly I’m usually pretty busy during that time. The hard part for me is what I’m going to call a “sacred indulgence.” It’s that time where I get to let Jesus love on me and I do absolutely nothing but receive from him. It’s that time when I am being still and know that He is God… He is in control, not me. Quieting myself to receive all that He has for me. Indulging in His grace and love. It’s free and I don’t have to travel far from home. It costs nothing but my intentional, uninterrupted time and willingness to let go and let Him love on me…a sacred indulgence.