Standing in the Gap…

June 25, 2016June 25, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

I love to pray. I love when people reach out for prayer and I can intercede on their behalf. I don’t take prayer lightly. When I say I will pray for someone, I pray. I stand in the gap for them.

A friend recently asked me what I meant by “stand in the gap.” She had her idea of what it meant, but she wanted to know what I meant by it.

I once heard “standing in the gap” used and I liked it. It was a different way to say I’m praying for you. It originates from the Bible verse in Ezekiel 22:30.

I looked for someone who might rebuild the wall of righteousness that guards the land. I searched for someone to stand in the gap in the wall so I wouldn’t have to destroy the land, but I found no one. (NLT)

The wall in this verse refers to people united in there efforts to resist evil. It was unsuccessful because it was built on religious rituals and messages not founded on God’s will. The people were crying out for spiritual reconstruction. (Taken from NIV Life Application Bible Commentary)

When someone is hurting and in need of prayer, I like to stand before God in that space where the enemy resides as he tries to intervene and destroy. Cries for prayer send the enemy into action. He slips into that gap between the person and God. I like to stand in that gap and keep the enemy out, calling on God on their behalf.

When I’m reaching out for prayer, I’m not always at my strongest spiritually. I love knowing that I can reach out to others to stand in that gap and keeping that space holy and sacred… keeping the enemy out.

Standing in the gap…

When we pray for someone we are doing just that. It’s not a fancy version of praying or better than praying. It IS praying. We all do it when we reach out and pray for another soul. This brings me great comfort.

Cats · Circle of Life · Death · Grace · Growth · Healing · Hope · Lessons Learned · life happens... · Loss · My Journey · Pets · Struggles · The Journey · Uncategorized · Vacation/Questions to Ponder

Grief Revisited…

June 24, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

It takes only a song, a smell, a memory shared on FB, a sound, a picture, a date on the calendar… and the grief comes flooding back. Fresh as the day it began.

Today was just that… a date on the calendar. Four months to the day. A time on the clock. It happened right now. The emotions and sadness and heaviness surfaced back up to the top of the heap. I’ve worked so hard to let them go… to quell the sadness… to replace the sorrow with sweet memories that make me smile instead of cry. Her reminders around the house have brought me peace and comfort… until today.

Grief doesn’t happen in a straight line.

Those were the best words ever shared with me by a counselor I sat with for a year after my divorce. And how true they were. I’ve shared them with many friends over the past ten years as they’ve walked through the various stages of grief.

Today I was caught off guard and had to practice what I’ve been preaching!

Four months ago the tears were daily… many times a day. That tapered down to once a day and then several times a week. Eventually the tears have subsided; replaced by a smile and a little whisper that I miss her.

This afternoon felt raw and fresh. Tears. That lost feeling deep in my soul. How has it been four months? It feels like it just happened.

Tonight I’m upstairs preparing a space for a new little kitten (or two!) to join our household. It scares me to turn them loose in our huge old house so I’m creating a space that is smaller and more contained. Eventually they can graduate to the big house!

As I’m sitting here in my rocking chair that Abigail and I spent many hours sharing, I’m having a moment. I feel like the widow that visits her late husbands grave asking him to release her to move on and love again. It sounds crazy, but it’s real. I am, in a sense, asking Abigail to release me to love another kitten or two. Up until now it’s felt like betrayal. How can I love another cat like I’ve loved Abigail for 16 years?

Tonight’s grief revisited has been a blessing. It purged another layer of grief and nudged me to begin to prepare for new life in our home. Once I have the space prepared and the essentials purchased and staged, I will begin the search. I know God will put the right little eyes and ears in my path at just the right moment. Our hearts will connect and a new story will begin.

Abigail’s story will not be forgotten. There will never be another Bubba Girl, but there will be new memories to make and a new one to love and grow with. It’s time. This grief revisited has opened a new door of possibilities and adventures.

Gifts · Grace · Growth · Humor · Intentional Self · Lessons Learned · life happens... · My Journey · Prayers · Questions to Ponder · Random Saturday · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

Entering the Throne Room…

April 16, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life2 Comments

“In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” -Psalm 5:3

It’s so easy… yet so hard. I’m up early before leaving for work. I can’t just get up and go. I need time to prepare for the day. I need coffee and quiet time. I’ve got all of the tools necessary. Quiet and comfortable location (several options), coffee, journal and favorite pen, bible (several) and time.

GO!

Good morning, Lord…

Suddenly a million distractions come my way.

Oh wait! I need to find a good worship song (on my iPad!).

Now that scripture would be great to put on a photograph… and then I can put it on Instagram!

Hmmm, I wonder if anyone has commented on the one I put on yesterday? I’ll just check real quick…

Oh ya, my bible plan… back to business.

Lord, thank you for this new day. Please give me strength to get through this day and…

Wait! What time is it? Shoot, I need to be in the shower in 5 minutes!

I wonder if anyone commented on the photo album I put on FB last night? I’ll just do a quick check before jumping in the shower!

And that it how it plays out more mornings than I care to admit. To quote a great movie, “Squirrel!”

Some mornings are much better and my time is spent indulging in the sacredness of my Heavenly Papa.

While I’m confessing my innate ability to botch my morning quiet time with Jesus, some mornings don’t have any quiet time at all, although that is rare. I’ve tried to exercise first thing and that has been a disaster! I’ll save that for later in the day… if I get to it! Oh my, that is another blog for another day!

The other evening I was reading Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning. In the summer of 1992 he spent time alone in a cabin in the Colorado Rockies without TV, radio or any reading material. After reading about his experience I began to ponder what that would be like. Time alone with God with nothing else. No distractions but our own demons that keep us from that sweet time with the Lord. How long would it take before I could truly “be still and know”? (Psalm 46:10)

I wonder what I’m missing by letting the things of the world get in my way? What sacred indulgence does God have for me that I’ve missed because I’m too busy getting my sanctuary ready to be with Him?

What am I afraid of? Why is it difficult to go to the throne room without my coffee and journal and bible (AKA my iPad full of distractions)…?

Lord, Show me how to simply come before You and be in Your presence… uninterrupted so that I may partake of Your sacred indulgences awaiting me. In Jesus’ name… let it be done, let it be so…

Fun · Gifts · Grace · Hope · My Journey · Quiet Pleasures · The Journey · Uncategorized · Vacation

Sacred Indulgence…

April 10, 2016April 10, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

This past week I went on a trip to visit my sister. Away from home. Away from all of the responsibilities of my daily life.

While on my little getaway, we snuck away for a few days to a spa on the bay. On our way up we detoured and visited the tulip fields – a bucket list item for me. We took a sonic drive off the beaten path and the scenery was spectacular. Once to our destination the sun began to peak out. Our room was beautiful and the view spectacular. We ate out, walked along the water, shopped, and strolled around the little town. We also just relaxed and did a little bit of nothing.

While this was amazing, I found myself thinking about all of the things I should have been attending to at home during spring break.

Many people I know take these little trips all the time. It’s their normal. Not mine. This isn’t even a once a year even for me. It was truly a treat!

My ability to let down and relax is difficult. After all, I should be home taking care of my responsibilities. Now was the time to test a new way of thinking and acting!

On our last evening, we scheduled massages at the spa. Wow! The experience from start to finish was wild. Like nothing I’ve ever done. It was all about me the entire time. Life is rarely all about me. I’m all about everyone else from my job to my home. I spend most every day taking care of others.

I found parts of the spa experience easy to partake of, while others were difficult. The hardest part was not talking for an entire hour! And for that one hour I did absolutely nothing! I was completely still except for the actual massage happening. That doesn’t even happen when I sleep, as I toss and turn all night!

The massage was just part of a week of indulgences. An indulgence is the attitude of allowing yourself or someone else to have something enjoyable. It was a wonderful time! I had to step out of myself and let people “indulge” me. I had to…no, I GOT to… receive rather than give. That is a tough one for me. It is difficult for me to let others do for me. I am much more comfortable giving than receiving.

As I’ve contemplated the week, I’ve been drawn to think about my relationship with the Lord. I’m good at giving to Him. I give Him my “prayers” or lists of things I’d like Him to help me with. I give Him time most days, but honestly I’m usually pretty busy during that time. The hard part for me is what I’m going to call a “sacred indulgence.” It’s that time where I get to let Jesus love on me and I do absolutely nothing but receive from him. It’s that time when I am being still and know that He is God… He is in control, not me. Quieting myself to receive all that He has for me. Indulging in His grace and love. It’s free and I don’t have to travel far from home. It costs nothing but my intentional, uninterrupted time and willingness to let go and let Him love on me…a sacred indulgence.

Cats · Circle of Life · Death · Grace · Healing · Loss · My Journey · Pets · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

Our Sweet Girl…

February 28, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

It was a warm Thursday evening in July of 2000. As I strolled past the large box in the garage our eyes met. I stopped in my tracks and said, “You shall be mine and I shall call you Abigail.”

That was our beginning. She sat quietly amidst the rest of the litter as they romped and squirmed. Our love story began in that moment.

The month long wait to bring her home was grueling. After all, our hearts bonded in that quick moment the first time we locked eyes. Anticipation filled my days.

September 1 finally arrived. I picked her up and brought her home filled with nerves and excitement! I’d had kittens before, but something about this one seemed different. Something deep in my soul knew that she would be different.

Abigail Grace…

In her first 5 years she was Abigail (Grace) Adams. When you teach 5th grade and US History there is some fun to be had! She was famous! Oh I love the innocent gullibility of kids! FYI… she is not related to John Quincy Adams… nor was I for that matter! In those five years many “Abigial” stories were told and she became part of my teaching. The students loved her without ever meeting her in person.

How can a four-legged creature become such an important part of ones life?

Nearly 16 years later this little girl has impacted my life more than I can even put into words. People talk about the loyalty of dogs. Don’t ever underestimate a cat… especially this one!

My sweet girl was by my side through a horrific accident of my step daughter, a divorce, a thousand mile move back home, several moves once here and three deaths in my family, not to mention all of the little hurdles life put in my path. Many tears fell on her sweet little head as I cried and held her… or she held me.

Many say that cats are selfish and only think of themselves. Not my girl. Abigail was very intuitive and knew just the right moment to snuggle in and show her support and affection.

In her first 5 years she was not a lap cat. She might have jumped up for a minute, but quickly got down. She only needed to be near us, but not sit with us.

The day back in 2005 that my ex husband moved out I came home to find her in a corner where a piece of furniture had been. Her beautiful green eyes looked up at me with a very sad and confused look. That was the straw that broke for me. I burst into tears and sat down in the rocker. Moments later she was sitting in my lap, consoling and comforting. From that moment on when I sat down she was in my lap or sitting next to me. That continued for the rest of her life. Intuitive and compassionate she was.

In 2006 I moved back home. I reconnected with my first love and we began a relationship. I told him about my cat and he quickly shared that he was not fond of cats. I assured him that Abigail would steal his heart and they would be fine. When I told his young son (age 5 at the time) that I had a cat, he too quickly told me that his daddy didn’t like cats. I assured him that all was well. He then told me that no his daddy really really didn’t like cats and that he would shoot her in the ass! I guess they had many strays that would hang out in their yard and leave their treasures in the gardens! We still laugh about that today!

Well, Daddy grew to love Abigail and at times their relationship rivaled mine with the both of them! They had daily moments and routines shared only between the two of them. She did steal his heart! No shooting necessary!

Today it is very quiet around our house. We both find ourselves looking and listening for our sweet girl. I have always said that if you audio taped our home you would think we had a daughter named Abigail! She was an integral part of our days… this little four-legged gift. She loved unconditionally and with a flare that was all her own! There will never be another Abigail Grace… Gooty Girl… Bubba Girl… Goots… Pretty Girl…Abergooty…Most Photographed Cat on the Planet!

Rest in Peace Sweet Abigail Grace…

Circle of Life · Death · Grace · Hope

A Legacy Left Behind…

October 27, 2015October 27, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life3 Comments

It’s been a whirlwind since getting the text that dad was back in the hospital… probably pneumonia. I made a visit that evening to visit him with my brother. This felt familiar. At this point in his 90 year old life Dad had made many of these visits. He was in good spirits for the most part and talked of getting out of there the next day.

The following night I went back to see Dad and we were told that he was more or less given the directive to go home and call hospice. He would continue to get aspiration pneumonia and there was nothing they could do. Wow…

Dad was angry. He hadn’t really given the end of his life much thought, after all the Zags were gearing up to begin a new season. He told us it was overwhelming news. Of course…

Three days later they moved him to a care center to rehab and regain strength to be able to go home. After a visit with four of my siblings a few days later, I knew deep in my heart that he was not going home.

Five days later my dad made a difficult and final decision. He chose to begin End of Life Care… to begin dying. He would no longer eat or take his medications. Any form of swallowing was more and more difficult and he was choking to death. That was Monday.

I spent the afternoon with him on Tuesday. He was alert and in fairly good spirits. He struggled to talk so conversation was minimal. We held hands and I spent a great deal of time looking at his blue eyes. His blue eyes that were beginning to lose their life. His blue eyes that he passed on to me. His hands were soft and his skin transparent.

Thursday I went to spend the afternoon with him. One of my sisters had come from Seattle to say goodbye. They had some sweet words and I love you’s. I was also able to look Dad in his blue eyes, holding his hand and tell him that I loved him… very much. He looked back at me and told me he loved me deeply… deeply. Those were are last words spoken to each other directly.

An hour and a half after arriving he took out his iPhone and played Mahjong one last time. Shortly after that he began to slip away. Trying to make him as comfortable as possible we put him in his favorite Zag sweatshirt. We left the room for a time and when we came back everything had changed. No more alertness or ability to have conversations. He was now actively dying. His breathing changed. It was just a matter of making him comfortable and waiting… waiting. Deep in his soul he was probably relieved. Several days before he told my sister it was taking a long time. He passed peacefully 14 hours or so later holding the hand of his wife.

What must go through your mind as you lay dying… knowing you are dying. I learned that once they begin this process, it is more of a spiritual battle than physical. His body no longer needed anything, but his soul had to make the transition. We all prayed that he had made his peace with Jesus. He as expressed earlier in this journey that he had made a great many mistakes in his life and was not sure what was next for him. My dear brother shared with him from the gospel of John.

“To all who receive him, to those who believe in his name, he has given them the right to be called children of God.” John 1:12

It is that simple. We’ve all made mistakes… he was not alone. For my dad it came down to one truth… and only God knows what happened in his heart.

I believe God gave my dad a gift. The gift to time to say goodbye and try to mend some fences. It’s been a long and tumultuous battle in our family. Great heartache and sadness, along with wonderful times and sweet memories. Each of us that he fathered has our own story to tell from our time on this earth with him. Some of us a little more difficult than others.

So the whirlwind end to my dad’s life has finished. Yesterday we buried him in a beautiful spot above the river. Now we each begin to untangle the memories and bring closure to another relationship… our last parental relationship. We lost our mom suddenly nearly 7 years ago.

May the God of hope bring each of us to a place of ultimate forgiveness and peace with the man that gave us life. And may we live our lives out with strength and courage to remember what was good and right, and let go of what needs to be forgotten. We are his legacy… and we need to live it out with all that our Father in heaven has given us.

Grace · Healing · Prayers · Struggles · The Journey

#lovewins

June 27, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life2 Comments

This morning I’m irritated. I’m irritated because it’s way too hot for the end of June and I didn’t sleep worth a darn last night. I’m irritated because it’s only 9:15 and almost too hot to be on my patio.

This morning I’m also disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself and in people in general. Why?

Yesterday, June 26, 2015, our US Supreme Court ruled that all states must honor gay marriage. For the past 24 hours I have remained quiet on the issue, only checking a few “like” buttons on people’s FB posts. I’ve only checked those on which I know only a few people will see that I agreed with what they said…those whom share the same belief.

Thus enters my disappointment in myself. I’ve not felt strong enough to publicly expose my views on the topic of gay marriage. What will those who believe differently than I think of me? Will they publicly call me out on FB and possibly unfriend me? Will life-long friendships be lost because we disagree on an issue that I believe is tearing our nation apart?

Even as I type this I can feel a sense of anxiety coming over me.

Several years ago, an older gentleman came to my door asking if I was a registered voter. I told him I was. What transpired next shocked me on many levels. He was delighted to hear I was and instructed me to sign his petition. I calmly asked what the petition was about and then proceeded to tell him that I will absolutely NOT sign because I did not agree with it. He proceeded to tell me that was a shame and walked away from my doorstep. And that was that. I closed the door and realized that I had a very strong opinion on the issue. That was the beginning of me realizing that I don’t have to support what everyone thinks I should or says I should. I am free to believe in whatever I choose to support.

I am a Christ-follower and have been for 29 years. I’m not a deep theologian or master of the Bible. I’ve often joked during deep theological discussions with my brother that he is more “Charles Wesley” and I am more “Max Lucado!” ( No offense Max! Your writing is straightforward and easy for me to understand!) I would not say I’m very deep in my theological thinking but I love Jesus with everything in my being. I need things spelled out pretty plain and simple.

As a Christ-follower, I’ve always been pretty swayed by what I’m involved with. If the masses are believing it then I must as well. I’ve never really allowed myself to disagree with what everyone else is agreeing with. I’m a peace-maker and don’t want to rock the boat.

FB has become a place for people to share political and religious opinions. I totally stay away from politics. I might share a “religious” thought but have never told another person that what they believe is right or wrong. I just share my heart hoping to encourage one who needs it and leave it at that. I’m not scripturally strong, but love The Word. Can I quote it? Not much. Can I pull out a verse on the fly to make a point? Not really. but I’m okay with that.

Yesterday, FB blew up! Rainbows and #lovewins were and still are everywhere. Along with those are many scripture references and downright words of hate and malice. Thus my disappointment in people.

As I grapple with making my heart known publicly, I have resolved to NOT apologize for my beliefs, nor do I need to justify one way or another what I think and feel.

Am I risking friendships? Possibly.

Does that make my heart sad? Yes.

One apology that I will make is to my dear friends from many years ago in CA, Gabe and Michael. They had a marriage ceremony that I did not attend. I was opposed to what they were doing and I could not justify being there in support. (At that time I also only watched G movies as well…) I hear I missed a fabulous party! Today they are two amazing men sharing a life together with two amazing sons! To you, my friends, I’m sorry that my narrow-mindedness kept me from celebrating with you.

I am blessed with many friends. Black, white, native, fat, thin, young, old, single, married, divorced, widowed, gay, straight, happy, unhappy, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, agnostic, atheist…the list goes on. Regardless of the label or labels that each one may hold, they – no WE, are all people who love and desire to be loved.

I had a very dear friend come to me in tears years ago out at camp. She was dreading telling me something very important to her because I was a Christian and she was sure I would disapprove and no longer like her. She shared that she was a lesbian. I was so sad that she thought I would not still love her after hearing that. That was the beginning of my eyes opening up.

My world is full of people – gay and straight. I love them all! God has called me to LOVE with abandonment, no matter what. Love God and love people. I’ve watched my Christian brother and sister, along with their spouses grapple with the reality of a gay/lesbian child. When a belief system is rocked to the core, it’s difficult. All of them chose love. They chose to “stay in the room” with their children; loving and supporting all the way. That’s how it should be… in my humble opinion.

Sin is sin. We ALL struggle with it every day. Yes, God hates sin, but He DOES NOT HATE THE SINNER. If you are going to disapprove of someone because they want to legally be with the one they love, then disapprove of me… for I’m sure I’ve done something sinful that you disapprove of as well. Sin is sin… but love is what God calls us to do. In the words of a very wise young girl back when she was ten (she is now 13), ‘Why does it matter who you marry as long as you love each other?”
We will all have to stand before our Creator one day and account for all we’ve done. No one is exempt. I believe in my heart and mind, simple as it may be, that we have God in a box. Today I chose to love… no matter what lifestyle a person chooses. I’m elated for my family and friends who finally get to legally share a life with the one they love. I’m thinking out of the box and doing what God is calling me to do… Love regardless.

Grace · Healing · Hope · Prayers

It IS Well With Our Souls…

May 16, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

Uncertainty… fear… worry… pending crisis… facing the unknown.

We all struggle with these. Some seasons feel more intense than others. Where do you go when we are living in these uncertain times? Whom do you call? Do you face them alone?

This morning I awoke with some uncertain fears and worries on my mind. I immediately found myself on the patio with a warm blanket and coffee… ready to spend some time praying and processing those things weighing heavy on my heart. As I opened my ipad to head to Jesus Calling, a message popped up from a very dear friend. She was on her knees crying out to Jesus with her own pending crisis… facing the unknown. She was crying out to Jesus and asking me to join her in prayer.

Suddenly, my struggles were not my focus and I began to encourage her and intercede in prayer on her behalf. The weight of my struggles lessened as did the weight of hers.

Why?

Because we both brought our needs to the Father and in that moment we shared the load. We cut the burden in half – each taking a part. It might be a silly analogy, but it works. If your load is heavy and you give someone half… your load becomes lighter.

I went to the throne room on behalf of my friend and was able to leave some of my stuff there with hers! My early morning quiet time was interrupted by what seemed a greater need. Now, I’m not saying one need is greater than the other… what’s ours is ours. We can’t compare. But I was able to re-adjust my focus and get to the place of surrender without letting it overwhelm me or letting the enemy in. When we reach up and out, we push satan away and he has no room in our lives. He has lost.

We think that when we go to God with our “stuff” that we are trying to win the battle. Truth be told, the battle has already been won. When there is a battle, the king sits on the throne, they don’t pace or run around fighting. It’s the same for our King. The battle has already been won and now Jesus sits at the right hand of His Father. He has won the battle for us by dying on the cross. Now we can know that peace… even amidst our battles.

By the end of our time together (via the ipad) this morning, my friend and I both felt more peaceful about our situations. We joined together and brought them to the Father, and He, from His throne of grace, came down and comforted us both. What a gift!

It is difficult, at times, to reach out when you are hurting. My encouragement to you is just do it. My friend and I have learned that we are always there and willing to share the burden of the other. God always meets us and walks us through our valleys and gives us courage to endure what the rest of the day brings. We come away knowing that no matter what… It IS well with our souls.

Grace · Healing · Hope · life happens... · The Journey

Abide With Me…

April 12, 2015April 12, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

Some days I’m footloose and fancy free! I glide through the days without a worry or a care. Everything seems right with the world.

Some days I wake with a heavy heart. Full of worry. Full of fear. Wondering what is next. Anxious.

I’ve learned that no matter the state of my heart, I need to begin my day in the presence of my Father… first with a heart of thanksgiving, then giving Him all that worries me.

This morning I awoke with a heavy heart… and my cat vomiting outside my bedroom door! I’ve learned not to jump up and rush to her for that only propels her to other parts of the house as she continues up be sick. I stood in the doorway and prayed. I prayed for her and for me. I could feel the heaviness on my heart.

After cleaning up the mess, I felt the need to go for a walk. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. I gathered my needed items – walking shoes, hoodie, phone, ear buds. I programmed both of my fitness apps and away I went.

Each step was giving one more worry up to God. Each step was asking him to reveal His presence to me. Each step.

Matt Maher was my music of choice this morning.

Abide with me. Abide with me. Don’t let me fall and don’t let go.
Walk with me and never leave. Ever close, God abide with me.

He went on to sing about Gesthemane before the cross and the nails. Feeling overwhelmed and alone to pray, God met Him in his suffering and bore his shame.

So by this point I’m walking and weeping. The song continues. God’s love is a love that will never let us go. A love that will never let me go. A love that will never let you go. Then the final line of the song plays…

… eternity. Weep no more. Sing for joy. Abide with me.

Okay God. I’m listening.

My morning walk was at the high school track. I have a little routine I follow and I am not distracted by houses, yards, dogs, cars, etc. The track is in full sun and it is warm!

Each time I rounded the north corner there in front of me was my long slender shadow (if only it was that long and slender in real life!!!). I was never able to see my shadow behind me. The second time I rounded the corner the message was pretty clear for me.

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. – Philipians 3:13-14 (NIV)

I MUST keep my eyes forward and NOT dwell on what has already happened or not happened. My time here has a purpose. Some days that is very clear to me. Other days it is clouded and unclear… and hard.

This spring I’m learning that I’m not alone. We all have a cross to carry and things that weigh heavy on us. We also work hard to put our best foot forward and appear to have it all together. Then I’m reminded that Jesus took people alongside him into the Garden of Gesthemane. Yes, he spent time with his Father alone but he also had trusted friends along to share his pain. This morning I went into the garden alone and God met me. I asked Him to reveal Himself to me and He did. For that I am grateful and thankful.

How vulnerable are we to let that trusted few into our lives to share in our journey? How willing are we to keep our eyes forward and on the prize… eternity? Are thanksgiving and praise the first thing out of our mouth in the morning… even when we awake heavy-hearted? I’m asking myself this (as Anne Voskamp says… #preachingthegospeltomyself)…but also challenging you.

Grace · Healing · Seasons · Struggles

Agony Shared…

April 2, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

Today is Maundy Thursday of Holy Week.

Today is the day Jesus and his disciples shared the Last Supper.

Today is the day the Jesus predicted that he would be denied by one close to him. All of them declared they would die before disowning him.

Today is the day that Jesus spent time in the Garden of Gesthemane. He went with his disciples and on the edge of the garden he began to be “sorrowful and troubled.” (Matthew 26:37) He asked them to wait while he went over to pray.

Then Jesus took several of them further into the garden and said to them, “my soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” (Matthew 26:38)

At that point he went further into the garden and asked his Father to “take this cup away from him… if it was God’s will.” (Matthew 26:39) He returned to his disciples and they were asleep… overwhelmed by the burden he had shared with them.

He went away a second time and asked God again. Upon returning to his disciples they were once again sleeping. This happened a third time.

Then it was time for Jesus to be given over to the hands of his betrayer.

“Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into hands of sinners. Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!” (Matthew 26:48)

Jesus’ time in the garden teaches us such an important lesson about authenticity and transparency. He became vulnerable with his disciples, sharing his sorrow. Then he went deeper into his agony and shared more with a close few. Ultimately, he became vulnerable and transparent with God. He knew he could not do it alone and he reached out in his darkest moment. He found a trusted few and then bared it all before his Father.

How often do we do the exact opposite of what Jesus modeled in the garden? We suffer in silence… fearing rejection, scrutiny, judgement. No one will understand what I’m going through. I’m certain I’m the only one feeling this way. No other marriage struggles like mine does. What if they knew that my anxiety was debilitating? They will never look at me the same way again if they only knew…

As Jesus approached the physical pain and separation from his Father, he modeled to us the power of bringing a trusted few alongside to share the journey. And then he modeled going to our Father with absolute honesty and vulnerability.

When I think that no one will ever understand what I’m going through… that no one can relate… I need to remember that Jesus can. He relates to my suffering… our suffering… because of the anguish he suffered. Because of his relationship with God the Father, he had strength to endure those six hours that Friday… six grueling, horrific hours on the cross… for me… for us.

The Son of God… the sinless Son of God… took our sins on to himself to save us. He suffered so we could live.