Grief Revisited…

June 24, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

It takes only a song, a smell, a memory shared on FB, a sound, a picture, a date on the calendar… and the grief comes flooding back. Fresh as the day it began.

Today was just that… a date on the calendar. Four months to the day. A time on the clock. It happened right now. The emotions and sadness and heaviness surfaced back up to the top of the heap. I’ve worked so hard to let them go… to quell the sadness… to replace the sorrow with sweet memories that make me smile instead of cry. Her reminders around the house have brought me peace and comfort… until today.

Grief doesn’t happen in a straight line.

Those were the best words ever shared with me by a counselor I sat with for a year after my divorce. And how true they were. I’ve shared them with many friends over the past ten years as they’ve walked through the various stages of grief.

Today I was caught off guard and had to practice what I’ve been preaching!

Four months ago the tears were daily… many times a day. That tapered down to once a day and then several times a week. Eventually the tears have subsided; replaced by a smile and a little whisper that I miss her.

This afternoon felt raw and fresh. Tears. That lost feeling deep in my soul. How has it been four months? It feels like it just happened.

Tonight I’m upstairs preparing a space for a new little kitten (or two!) to join our household. It scares me to turn them loose in our huge old house so I’m creating a space that is smaller and more contained. Eventually they can graduate to the big house!

As I’m sitting here in my rocking chair that Abigail and I spent many hours sharing, I’m having a moment. I feel like the widow that visits her late husbands grave asking him to release her to move on and love again. It sounds crazy, but it’s real. I am, in a sense, asking Abigail to release me to love another kitten or two. Up until now it’s felt like betrayal. How can I love another cat like I’ve loved Abigail for 16 years?

Tonight’s grief revisited has been a blessing. It purged another layer of grief and nudged me to begin to prepare for new life in our home. Once I have the space prepared and the essentials purchased and staged, I will begin the search. I know God will put the right little eyes and ears in my path at just the right moment. Our hearts will connect and a new story will begin.

Abigail’s story will not be forgotten. There will never be another Bubba Girl, but there will be new memories to make and a new one to love and grow with. It’s time. This grief revisited has opened a new door of possibilities and adventures.

Gifts · Grace · Growth · Humor · Intentional Self · Lessons Learned · life happens... · My Journey · Prayers · Questions to Ponder · Random Saturday · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

Entering the Throne Room…

April 16, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life2 Comments

“In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” -Psalm 5:3

It’s so easy… yet so hard. I’m up early before leaving for work. I can’t just get up and go. I need time to prepare for the day. I need coffee and quiet time. I’ve got all of the tools necessary. Quiet and comfortable location (several options), coffee, journal and favorite pen, bible (several) and time.

GO!

Good morning, Lord…

Suddenly a million distractions come my way.

Oh wait! I need to find a good worship song (on my iPad!).

Now that scripture would be great to put on a photograph… and then I can put it on Instagram!

Hmmm, I wonder if anyone has commented on the one I put on yesterday? I’ll just check real quick…

Oh ya, my bible plan… back to business.

Lord, thank you for this new day. Please give me strength to get through this day and…

Wait! What time is it? Shoot, I need to be in the shower in 5 minutes!

I wonder if anyone commented on the photo album I put on FB last night? I’ll just do a quick check before jumping in the shower!

And that it how it plays out more mornings than I care to admit. To quote a great movie, “Squirrel!”

Some mornings are much better and my time is spent indulging in the sacredness of my Heavenly Papa.

While I’m confessing my innate ability to botch my morning quiet time with Jesus, some mornings don’t have any quiet time at all, although that is rare. I’ve tried to exercise first thing and that has been a disaster! I’ll save that for later in the day… if I get to it! Oh my, that is another blog for another day!

The other evening I was reading Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning. In the summer of 1992 he spent time alone in a cabin in the Colorado Rockies without TV, radio or any reading material. After reading about his experience I began to ponder what that would be like. Time alone with God with nothing else. No distractions but our own demons that keep us from that sweet time with the Lord. How long would it take before I could truly “be still and know”? (Psalm 46:10)

I wonder what I’m missing by letting the things of the world get in my way? What sacred indulgence does God have for me that I’ve missed because I’m too busy getting my sanctuary ready to be with Him?

What am I afraid of? Why is it difficult to go to the throne room without my coffee and journal and bible (AKA my iPad full of distractions)…?

Lord, Show me how to simply come before You and be in Your presence… uninterrupted so that I may partake of Your sacred indulgences awaiting me. In Jesus’ name… let it be done, let it be so…

Fun · Gifts · Grace · Hope · My Journey · Quiet Pleasures · The Journey · Uncategorized · Vacation

Sacred Indulgence…

April 10, 2016April 10, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

This past week I went on a trip to visit my sister. Away from home. Away from all of the responsibilities of my daily life.

While on my little getaway, we snuck away for a few days to a spa on the bay. On our way up we detoured and visited the tulip fields – a bucket list item for me. We took a sonic drive off the beaten path and the scenery was spectacular. Once to our destination the sun began to peak out. Our room was beautiful and the view spectacular. We ate out, walked along the water, shopped, and strolled around the little town. We also just relaxed and did a little bit of nothing.

While this was amazing, I found myself thinking about all of the things I should have been attending to at home during spring break.

Many people I know take these little trips all the time. It’s their normal. Not mine. This isn’t even a once a year even for me. It was truly a treat!

My ability to let down and relax is difficult. After all, I should be home taking care of my responsibilities. Now was the time to test a new way of thinking and acting!

On our last evening, we scheduled massages at the spa. Wow! The experience from start to finish was wild. Like nothing I’ve ever done. It was all about me the entire time. Life is rarely all about me. I’m all about everyone else from my job to my home. I spend most every day taking care of others.

I found parts of the spa experience easy to partake of, while others were difficult. The hardest part was not talking for an entire hour! And for that one hour I did absolutely nothing! I was completely still except for the actual massage happening. That doesn’t even happen when I sleep, as I toss and turn all night!

The massage was just part of a week of indulgences. An indulgence is the attitude of allowing yourself or someone else to have something enjoyable. It was a wonderful time! I had to step out of myself and let people “indulge” me. I had to…no, I GOT to… receive rather than give. That is a tough one for me. It is difficult for me to let others do for me. I am much more comfortable giving than receiving.

As I’ve contemplated the week, I’ve been drawn to think about my relationship with the Lord. I’m good at giving to Him. I give Him my “prayers” or lists of things I’d like Him to help me with. I give Him time most days, but honestly I’m usually pretty busy during that time. The hard part for me is what I’m going to call a “sacred indulgence.” It’s that time where I get to let Jesus love on me and I do absolutely nothing but receive from him. It’s that time when I am being still and know that He is God… He is in control, not me. Quieting myself to receive all that He has for me. Indulging in His grace and love. It’s free and I don’t have to travel far from home. It costs nothing but my intentional, uninterrupted time and willingness to let go and let Him love on me…a sacred indulgence.

Cats · Circle of Life · Death · Grace · Healing · Loss · My Journey · Pets · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

Our Sweet Girl…

February 28, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

It was a warm Thursday evening in July of 2000. As I strolled past the large box in the garage our eyes met. I stopped in my tracks and said, “You shall be mine and I shall call you Abigail.”

That was our beginning. She sat quietly amidst the rest of the litter as they romped and squirmed. Our love story began in that moment.

The month long wait to bring her home was grueling. After all, our hearts bonded in that quick moment the first time we locked eyes. Anticipation filled my days.

September 1 finally arrived. I picked her up and brought her home filled with nerves and excitement! I’d had kittens before, but something about this one seemed different. Something deep in my soul knew that she would be different.

Abigail Grace…

In her first 5 years she was Abigail (Grace) Adams. When you teach 5th grade and US History there is some fun to be had! She was famous! Oh I love the innocent gullibility of kids! FYI… she is not related to John Quincy Adams… nor was I for that matter! In those five years many “Abigial” stories were told and she became part of my teaching. The students loved her without ever meeting her in person.

How can a four-legged creature become such an important part of ones life?

Nearly 16 years later this little girl has impacted my life more than I can even put into words. People talk about the loyalty of dogs. Don’t ever underestimate a cat… especially this one!

My sweet girl was by my side through a horrific accident of my step daughter, a divorce, a thousand mile move back home, several moves once here and three deaths in my family, not to mention all of the little hurdles life put in my path. Many tears fell on her sweet little head as I cried and held her… or she held me.

Many say that cats are selfish and only think of themselves. Not my girl. Abigail was very intuitive and knew just the right moment to snuggle in and show her support and affection.

In her first 5 years she was not a lap cat. She might have jumped up for a minute, but quickly got down. She only needed to be near us, but not sit with us.

The day back in 2005 that my ex husband moved out I came home to find her in a corner where a piece of furniture had been. Her beautiful green eyes looked up at me with a very sad and confused look. That was the straw that broke for me. I burst into tears and sat down in the rocker. Moments later she was sitting in my lap, consoling and comforting. From that moment on when I sat down she was in my lap or sitting next to me. That continued for the rest of her life. Intuitive and compassionate she was.

In 2006 I moved back home. I reconnected with my first love and we began a relationship. I told him about my cat and he quickly shared that he was not fond of cats. I assured him that Abigail would steal his heart and they would be fine. When I told his young son (age 5 at the time) that I had a cat, he too quickly told me that his daddy didn’t like cats. I assured him that all was well. He then told me that no his daddy really really didn’t like cats and that he would shoot her in the ass! I guess they had many strays that would hang out in their yard and leave their treasures in the gardens! We still laugh about that today!

Well, Daddy grew to love Abigail and at times their relationship rivaled mine with the both of them! They had daily moments and routines shared only between the two of them. She did steal his heart! No shooting necessary!

Today it is very quiet around our house. We both find ourselves looking and listening for our sweet girl. I have always said that if you audio taped our home you would think we had a daughter named Abigail! She was an integral part of our days… this little four-legged gift. She loved unconditionally and with a flare that was all her own! There will never be another Abigail Grace… Gooty Girl… Bubba Girl… Goots… Pretty Girl…Abergooty…Most Photographed Cat on the Planet!

Rest in Peace Sweet Abigail Grace…

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#lovewins

June 27, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life2 Comments

This morning I’m irritated. I’m irritated because it’s way too hot for the end of June and I didn’t sleep worth a darn last night. I’m irritated because it’s only 9:15 and almost too hot to be on my patio.

This morning I’m also disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself and in people in general. Why?

Yesterday, June 26, 2015, our US Supreme Court ruled that all states must honor gay marriage. For the past 24 hours I have remained quiet on the issue, only checking a few “like” buttons on people’s FB posts. I’ve only checked those on which I know only a few people will see that I agreed with what they said…those whom share the same belief.

Thus enters my disappointment in myself. I’ve not felt strong enough to publicly expose my views on the topic of gay marriage. What will those who believe differently than I think of me? Will they publicly call me out on FB and possibly unfriend me? Will life-long friendships be lost because we disagree on an issue that I believe is tearing our nation apart?

Even as I type this I can feel a sense of anxiety coming over me.

Several years ago, an older gentleman came to my door asking if I was a registered voter. I told him I was. What transpired next shocked me on many levels. He was delighted to hear I was and instructed me to sign his petition. I calmly asked what the petition was about and then proceeded to tell him that I will absolutely NOT sign because I did not agree with it. He proceeded to tell me that was a shame and walked away from my doorstep. And that was that. I closed the door and realized that I had a very strong opinion on the issue. That was the beginning of me realizing that I don’t have to support what everyone thinks I should or says I should. I am free to believe in whatever I choose to support.

I am a Christ-follower and have been for 29 years. I’m not a deep theologian or master of the Bible. I’ve often joked during deep theological discussions with my brother that he is more “Charles Wesley” and I am more “Max Lucado!” ( No offense Max! Your writing is straightforward and easy for me to understand!) I would not say I’m very deep in my theological thinking but I love Jesus with everything in my being. I need things spelled out pretty plain and simple.

As a Christ-follower, I’ve always been pretty swayed by what I’m involved with. If the masses are believing it then I must as well. I’ve never really allowed myself to disagree with what everyone else is agreeing with. I’m a peace-maker and don’t want to rock the boat.

FB has become a place for people to share political and religious opinions. I totally stay away from politics. I might share a “religious” thought but have never told another person that what they believe is right or wrong. I just share my heart hoping to encourage one who needs it and leave it at that. I’m not scripturally strong, but love The Word. Can I quote it? Not much. Can I pull out a verse on the fly to make a point? Not really. but I’m okay with that.

Yesterday, FB blew up! Rainbows and #lovewins were and still are everywhere. Along with those are many scripture references and downright words of hate and malice. Thus my disappointment in people.

As I grapple with making my heart known publicly, I have resolved to NOT apologize for my beliefs, nor do I need to justify one way or another what I think and feel.

Am I risking friendships? Possibly.

Does that make my heart sad? Yes.

One apology that I will make is to my dear friends from many years ago in CA, Gabe and Michael. They had a marriage ceremony that I did not attend. I was opposed to what they were doing and I could not justify being there in support. (At that time I also only watched G movies as well…) I hear I missed a fabulous party! Today they are two amazing men sharing a life together with two amazing sons! To you, my friends, I’m sorry that my narrow-mindedness kept me from celebrating with you.

I am blessed with many friends. Black, white, native, fat, thin, young, old, single, married, divorced, widowed, gay, straight, happy, unhappy, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, agnostic, atheist…the list goes on. Regardless of the label or labels that each one may hold, they – no WE, are all people who love and desire to be loved.

I had a very dear friend come to me in tears years ago out at camp. She was dreading telling me something very important to her because I was a Christian and she was sure I would disapprove and no longer like her. She shared that she was a lesbian. I was so sad that she thought I would not still love her after hearing that. That was the beginning of my eyes opening up.

My world is full of people – gay and straight. I love them all! God has called me to LOVE with abandonment, no matter what. Love God and love people. I’ve watched my Christian brother and sister, along with their spouses grapple with the reality of a gay/lesbian child. When a belief system is rocked to the core, it’s difficult. All of them chose love. They chose to “stay in the room” with their children; loving and supporting all the way. That’s how it should be… in my humble opinion.

Sin is sin. We ALL struggle with it every day. Yes, God hates sin, but He DOES NOT HATE THE SINNER. If you are going to disapprove of someone because they want to legally be with the one they love, then disapprove of me… for I’m sure I’ve done something sinful that you disapprove of as well. Sin is sin… but love is what God calls us to do. In the words of a very wise young girl back when she was ten (she is now 13), ‘Why does it matter who you marry as long as you love each other?”
We will all have to stand before our Creator one day and account for all we’ve done. No one is exempt. I believe in my heart and mind, simple as it may be, that we have God in a box. Today I chose to love… no matter what lifestyle a person chooses. I’m elated for my family and friends who finally get to legally share a life with the one they love. I’m thinking out of the box and doing what God is calling me to do… Love regardless.

Grace · Healing · Hope · life happens... · The Journey

Abide With Me…

April 12, 2015April 12, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

Some days I’m footloose and fancy free! I glide through the days without a worry or a care. Everything seems right with the world.

Some days I wake with a heavy heart. Full of worry. Full of fear. Wondering what is next. Anxious.

I’ve learned that no matter the state of my heart, I need to begin my day in the presence of my Father… first with a heart of thanksgiving, then giving Him all that worries me.

This morning I awoke with a heavy heart… and my cat vomiting outside my bedroom door! I’ve learned not to jump up and rush to her for that only propels her to other parts of the house as she continues up be sick. I stood in the doorway and prayed. I prayed for her and for me. I could feel the heaviness on my heart.

After cleaning up the mess, I felt the need to go for a walk. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. I gathered my needed items – walking shoes, hoodie, phone, ear buds. I programmed both of my fitness apps and away I went.

Each step was giving one more worry up to God. Each step was asking him to reveal His presence to me. Each step.

Matt Maher was my music of choice this morning.

Abide with me. Abide with me. Don’t let me fall and don’t let go.
Walk with me and never leave. Ever close, God abide with me.

He went on to sing about Gesthemane before the cross and the nails. Feeling overwhelmed and alone to pray, God met Him in his suffering and bore his shame.

So by this point I’m walking and weeping. The song continues. God’s love is a love that will never let us go. A love that will never let me go. A love that will never let you go. Then the final line of the song plays…

… eternity. Weep no more. Sing for joy. Abide with me.

Okay God. I’m listening.

My morning walk was at the high school track. I have a little routine I follow and I am not distracted by houses, yards, dogs, cars, etc. The track is in full sun and it is warm!

Each time I rounded the north corner there in front of me was my long slender shadow (if only it was that long and slender in real life!!!). I was never able to see my shadow behind me. The second time I rounded the corner the message was pretty clear for me.

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. – Philipians 3:13-14 (NIV)

I MUST keep my eyes forward and NOT dwell on what has already happened or not happened. My time here has a purpose. Some days that is very clear to me. Other days it is clouded and unclear… and hard.

This spring I’m learning that I’m not alone. We all have a cross to carry and things that weigh heavy on us. We also work hard to put our best foot forward and appear to have it all together. Then I’m reminded that Jesus took people alongside him into the Garden of Gesthemane. Yes, he spent time with his Father alone but he also had trusted friends along to share his pain. This morning I went into the garden alone and God met me. I asked Him to reveal Himself to me and He did. For that I am grateful and thankful.

How vulnerable are we to let that trusted few into our lives to share in our journey? How willing are we to keep our eyes forward and on the prize… eternity? Are thanksgiving and praise the first thing out of our mouth in the morning… even when we awake heavy-hearted? I’m asking myself this (as Anne Voskamp says… #preachingthegospeltomyself)…but also challenging you.

Grace · Healing · Prayers · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

Count Your Blessings… Literally!

March 22, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

Yesterday I spent the afternoon saying goodbye to a very special man. He spent 91 years on earth before graduating from this life. The church was packed with young and old. His quiver was full. In the first few rows sat his wife of 64 years, his four children with their spouses, 13 grand children with their spouses and 7 great grandchildren.

It was a day to celebrate his life. A day to remember all the ways he touched so many. A day to say goodbye and shed some tears while at the same time laughing at the stories told. A day that was special and touching and I was left with some treasures to add to my life… even after he’d gone.

Three of his grandchildren spoke beautifully on his behalf. The first shared a profound message that he had imparted to her in the recent weeks before his passing.

Bill had been experiencing severe back pain which made it difficult to sleep or play golf. One evening lying in bed, the pain had become almost unbearable. He decided to put into practice what he had encouraged his family to do for many years… count his blessings.

Bill laid in his bed and began to count his blessings and think deeply about each one of them. He started with his beautiful wife and thought about all of the glorious moments they had together. That was one. The pain seemed to diminish a bit, but was still there. He continued to remember (and count!) each of his four children… then moving on to each of his grandchildren and great grandchildren. Gradually as he remembered and counted, his pain continued to lessen. When he had counted 68 blessings (yes, he counted and kept track of each one of them) his pain was completely gone. He was able to sleep. The wisdom that he shared with his family over the years really does work. For Bill, it took 68 blessings to take away back pain!

Shortly after that he was diagnosed with bone cancer… the cause of the extreme pain. God knew the excruciating battle that this husband, father and grandfather would fight, and graciously chose to take him home shortly there after. What he left behind is a legacy that goes deep and has forever changed the lives of his family and those of us that have had the privilege of being a part of that.

Life throws us curve balls. Our best laid plans don’t come to fruition. We are told to be thankful amidst the difficulties… praise Him in the storm. That is just what Bill did. Lying in his quiet bed one evening near the end of his life, he counted his blessings – one after the other. That simple act allowed him to focus on what was most important… not the pain that seemed daunting and overwhelming. God pulled him above his suffering and allowed him to experience the joy of being thankful… and the power of counting his blessings.

Healing · Prayers · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

Heavenly Royalty…

February 28, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

Saturday morning. It’s early and my emotions are high. I’m not really sure why. I’m at the end of my 28 day commitment to better health. Now I have to decide if I am worth continuing or will I go back to my old ways. Yes, you read that correctly – “if I am worth continuing.”

For whatever reason and circumstances of my life, I’ve grown up to be one that thinks of you long before I think of me. In that way of thinking I’ve missed the piece about me being so worth it that I should take care of myself. No matter what I’ve done over the years, after a time, I sabotage my efforts. Something in me just gives up and that’s that.

For the past year and a half I’ve been making more efforts to battle that and change. It’s not easy when it’s been your MO for 50+ years. I’m learning that I am worth it and I do deserve to be healthy and happy.

I began my morning worrying about all of the “stuff” that I need to be doing. It was one of those early morning awakenings that came long before the sun was up. I relented, got up and took care of one of them. Whew! One down… 500 more to go! It’s a start!

Upon completion of my pre-dawn task, I sat down with a cup of coffee and my iPad. My devotional is around Lent. As soon as I began reading I was deeply moved. It was comparing the Queen of England to Jesus. She has had 62 years of pomp and circumstance. Jesus did not have that. He rode on a donkey with a soldiers cloak thrown over him and his crown… his crown was thorns. The blood that ran down his face was that of a man… and of God.

“Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!” (Luke 19:38)

His parade route ended at the Mount of Olives. There was not a huge celebration with cameras and cheery on-lookers. This is where He ascended into heaven. His humility was replaced with glory. Ten thousand times ten thousand angels were now at His side. His Spirit filled the universe. He was (and is) the ruler of all things.

Because of his death and resurrection, we became royalty. I am royalty… heavenly royalty.

So, as I wept this morning over all of the things I have not accomplished… the things I continue to struggle with… the dreams that were left to die… the piece of my self-worth that I somehow missed… I was encouraged. I am royalty… His royalty. I AM worth it. His death on the cross… those horrific six hours one Friday… they were for ME… and YOU…

Now as I venture into my day, I have a little more courage to face the battles that are ahead. I know that there will be struggles and celebrations. I know that I will doubt my worth again. Temptations will knock. Tears will fall. I need to keep my eyes on what is important and His love and strength will continue to find me…flowing down from His thrown of grace.

Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of Heaven’s Armies! The whole earth is filled with his glory!
(Isaiah 6:3 NLT)

28 Days · exercise · Grace · Health · Hope · Lessons Learned · life happens... · Prayers · Questions to Ponder · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

It’s Not a Sprint…

February 16, 2015February 16, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

As I continue down this path to better health, I’m learning more and more about myself each day. Today I ventured out on another walk by myself. I’m rather enjoying these solo treks as they give me time to breathe, process, let go, pray and just BE. I decided to head to the high school and walk the track on this sunny day, knowing the entire track would be in the bright sunshine! I have a routine. First I begin in lane one and each time I loop around I switch to another lane working my way to lane 8. Walking alone gives me “think time.”

Today I had a huge revelation about myself and why I chose to go to the track and not walk the neighborhoods. The track is predictable. I know where I am, where I’m going and how to get home. When I walk the neighborhoods, I am not always sure where I am. I get caught up in looking at yards and houses, allowing my mind to get distracted by those things. On the track, I don’t have to think about where I am or where I’m going. Being that this whole exercise thing is something I’m learning to like, it felt good to have a little control of the situation. I like things to be planned out and predictable. I wish I were more spontaneous and daring. I love the comfort of the track.

Today there were three high school girls there with a track coach. They were warming up and then moved to the other side of the track and were working on starts for their sprints. They were coming out of those starting blocks very quickly. I tried to steer clear of their work while still keeping to my 1-8 lane progression! As I watched them come up out of those blocks quickly, I realized something else about my journey. This journey is not a sprint. I can’t think that I can do everything fast and furious to get quick results. I did not get fat overnight and I won’t change overnight.

Today is Day 15 and I was very discouraged over the weekend. I don’t look different at all. I feel better, but nothing has changed as far as my body. Another mindset that I need to let go of. Just because I have done good things for a few weeks does not mean I’m good to go and a changed woman! Past failures can be linked to this very mindset flaw. I’m in this for the long haul, not for a short sprint. I am changing old habits and old belief systems. First and foremost, my goal is better health so I can live my remaining days on this earth active and able to fulfill God’s calling on my life. I want to feel good each day as I get out of bed and have energy to attack the day! I want to be fit for the day when we have grandchildren! It is not going to happen overnight. It’s a daily decision I make to love myself enough to make good choices and afford myself the time to take care of ME.

My initial goal was February. I can do anything for 28 days. After that I was not sure what I would do, because deep down I thought that in those 28 days my life would be transformed and I would be “normal.” I’m still looking to the end of February to celebrate the initial goal I set, but I know that I like this and want to continue into the rest of my days! I’ve now set another goal for my 52nd birthday and I honestly think I can get there! Funny thing about it is that it’s going to take time and energy and work… all things that I have to do. No one can do them for me. I have to love myself enough to make it work! My biggest supporter, God, has assured me that He will never let go of me or my dream. Together… we’ve got this!

So, today I celebrate 14 days of healthy eating and close to 20 miles of walking! It feels great! I’m encouraged! I hope you are encouraged if you need that today. If I can do this… so can you! If you are doubting that you can make changes in an area of your life, invite God to join you and love yourself enough to try it today! One foot in front of the other!

28 Days · Fun · Gifts · Grace · Gratitude Friday · Healing · Health · Hope · Lessons Learned · Seasons · The Journey · Uncategorized

To Share or Not to Share…

February 13, 2015February 13, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

As I approach my 52nd birthday, I’ve come to the conclusion that good health is not going to happen on it’s own. If I want to be healthier, thinner, in better shape… I must work at it! I’ve struggled with my weight since the womb! I was born fat! With this gift has come 51 years of bad habits, disappointments, old tapes that play over and over and a very fragile self-esteem.

Upon turning 50, I began to be a bit more assertive and confident. Having spent my entire life being a people-pleaser and peace maker, I decided it was high time I took care of ME! I’ve slowly begun to care more about what is best for me and not just what is best for others.

Also upon turning 50, my body began to show more signs of aging than ever before! It’s true what they say… everything goes downhill… literally! Things that I could always do, even being overweight, were getting more difficult. This bummed me out and worried me. If I feel this way at 50 then what will I feel like at 60? 70?

Over the past 4 years or so I’ve been taking wellness steps. They have been life-changing. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been… except for the weight. The weight that has been mine and only mine for 51 years. It’s a heavy burden to bear… literally!

February 2, I began walking down a new path. A clean-eating path that does not include sugar, processed foods or gluten. The gluten part is an experiment to see how I feel. Today marks 12 days of freedom from these things! I’ve also committed to some sort of movement each day. If you know me at all, you know that I’ve never met an exercise that I like! It’s not my go-to! In my mind I long to be a sleek runner out enjoying the fresh air. My reality – too much weight on my old bones and it’s just not pretty!

For the past 2+ weeks, I’ve found a new love for walking outside. I have walking tapes… they bore me to death! We have had spring-like weather and I’m starting to take advantage of it! It feels good!

I’m learning so much about myself as I work to care for me on a more intentional level. I’ve got some very old tapes to destroy and some habits to break… one day at a time. One thing I’m learning is that I have to make my journey public. Without accountability I will never succeed.

My struggle is that it feels very self-serving to tell others about the successes that I’ve had. I’m more inclined to tell you when I’ve failed than succeeded. That is a mindset that I must change. I need the encouragement of others and I want to be that encourager to others as well! Why does it feel bad to share the positive? If feels like bragging and I learned as a kid that bragging was not a good virtue.

So, when I post on FB a success I’ve had, I’m not bragging… I’m celebrating! And yes, I love the “way to go’s” and “good job’s”! I love the encouragement… we all do! We all need to surround ourselves with a community that lifts us up and helps us along the way… even when we slip and fall.

This morning as I walked, I was smiling the entire way! I was outside moving! I was breathing and moving and doing something good for ME! All by myself! If you know me, you know that I don’t really like to do things alone. Today, I put on my big girls and my new bright blue shoes and hit the road! I was accompanied by the Decemberists and walked a Personal Best!

I’m so thankful to not be on this journey alone. I have a wonderful support network and I’m learning that it’s okay to let the world know! I have a new love for ME that I have never really had. And that love is fueled by my amazing God in heaven! He created me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I am not defined by my job, my husband, my scale or anything or anyone else. I am a daughter of the King and He is the reason I got out of bed this morning!

So, here’s to 50 more years of healthy living… for it’s never too late to make a change!