Just Another Day…

August 2, 2016August 3, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

August 2, 1997. It was just another day for most. It was a big day for me. Happiest day of my life… or so they say. For 7 years it was a day that was celebrated. Today, 19 years later, it’s just another day. One day closer to summer being over and getting back to work.

Today I find myself filled with emotion. I’m sure it’s not all about that day 19 years ago, but that is a part of it. The part of me that came and went in 7 short years. That is not what I envisioned on that sunny day in San Luis Obispo. It was a whirlwind relationship that happened fast. He was taken by my “worship girl” lifestyle and I with his wild side and in love with being in love. Some of his first words to me were, “you are perfect the way you are.” That should have been a red flag, but it only fueled my desire to be loved and love.

Over the last 19 years I’ve loved and lost. I’ve laughed and cried. I’ve had my heart filled and emptied. I’ve had dreams come true and dreams shattered. I’ve come and gone. I’ve hurt and and been hurt. I’ve loved and been loved… and reloved.

Life gets so busy that sometimes I forget to stop and remember. I am a “date remembering” girl, but this far out, today would have been just another day had I not heard the date on the morning news.

August 2…

Emotions came flooding back. I think that I now have a storehouse of memories that the Lord wants me to keep in a special place. They no longer contain anger or hurt or regret. They are sweet and part of who I am today. Had I not journeyed on that short path with the amazing man that “fell in love with me” I might not be sitting where I am today… living the life I have now. It’s funny how one life decision can determine the days to come.

I have some wonderful take aways from that seven year union 19 years ago. My first kiss… and so on and so forth!! (insert blush) A beautiful bonus daughter who is now a mother of a sweet little guy. Family that will always hold a special place in my heart. Seven years of adventures with my “Marlboro Man!”

It’s not what I thought would happen. But it did. Things ended and ten years ago I decided to move away from the memories and at the time, the pain. Of course I was swayed by a tall handsome Irish boy from my past.

Several major life changes later and here I sit. I left a wonderful state I had lived in for 20 years and came home. Quit a really good job… got a new one… thankfully another really good one! Sold a home, bought a home, sold a home and bought another one! Rekindled old friendships and started new ones. Left love behind and had the great blessing of getting to relove and marry my first. I said goodbye to a wonderful bonus daughter and now have three more amazing bonus children. Life is good.

Yes, one simple date on the calendar and oh how the memories and emotions appear. Bittersweet. I am confidently thankful that my Father in Heaven has my journey all mapped out. On that sweet day 19 years ago, I never in a million years would have thought for a second my life would be what it is now. As wonderful as it is, it would not have made sense then. I’m so glad that we don’t get to see our future. Just one day at a time… living well and loving God and loving people.

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Seasons…Part of Living

July 26, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

today, tomorrow & every day – THOUGHTS ON LIVING A BRAVE AND REAL AND GORGEOUS LIFE. Written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Jill Labieniec.

Here are my continued thoughts on this amazing book I received as a gift.

“Things really changed,” she said, “when I started to be more generous to myself.”

“I began to try to live like a tree,” she said…

“Who understand that life is filled with seasons and each one has its worth. I stopped fearing the leaves falling away, the bare branches. I understood that spring would come, that summer would come, that it was all a part of my living.”

Seasons. I love the four seasons where I live! When the seasons change, so does life around us. We do things differently. Some seasons are more enjoyable than others. For me, winter is my least favorite. The sun does not shine as much and it’s cold. It takes more work to be outside. Occasionally I’m fearful of driving in winter weather. The lack of sunshine can cause some seasonal affective issues. We muddle through it and wait for spring.

Seasons of life are much the same. We experience things that change as time goes on.

Some seasons are wonderful! When relationships are thriving…life is good. When our job is going well… .life is good. When our health is strong… life is good.

At times we go through seasons that are not so wonderful. Troubled relationships… job stress or unemployment… health issues.

When in a season of struggle, I used to pray for it to be over or not happen at all. Over time I’ve learned to lean into the struggle and ride the wave…waiting for the Lord to show His presence. He never told us life would be easy, but He did tell us that He would be alongside us or holding us tight. It took some really difficult seasons for me to learn this. I’ve learned to praise Him in the storm.

Be still and know that I am God… my favorite Psalm. It’s being still in winter and finding the joy of the season I like the least. When things are tough, I’ve experienced great peace while life is crumbling around me. Pressing in to the Lord helps get us through the difficult time and ushers us into the next season.

I’ll be honest. I’ve never had a difficult season that has lasted for great lengths of time. I’ve known people that permanently live in struggle… at least in my perception. They’ve learned to stop fearing the struggle and find the joys. In a sense, they move in and out of joy and struggles in one day.

Seasons come and seasons go… that is all part of our lives. I want to be like that tree that stands tall and still as the seasons move around me. I want to be strong, even when I feel weak. I want to be full of life, even when I might be empty. I want to be more generous with myself… even when it’s difficult.

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Resiliency and Growth Over Time…

July 15, 2016July 15, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

today, tomorrow & every day – THOUGHTS ON LIVING A BRAVE AND REAL AND GORGEOUS LIFE. Written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Jill Labieniec.

Here are my continued thoughts on this amazing book I received as a gift.

She hadn’t always been this way. She hadn’t always been as strong and resilient and brave and joyful.

Like any garden or work of art, it had taken her a long time to make things the way there were. To learn. To arrange. To rearrange.

Sometimes, she grew as such in one year as others do in five. It showed in her spirit. In her laugh. It looked and it sounded like wisdom. And she liked it that way.

53 years. I’ve come along way. The change really started noticeably happening when I turned 50. But seeds were planted long before that. Life events that required me to be strong and resilient and brave… and joyful…regardless.

At times I stayed the same for many years. Other times I grew more quickly. I can look back now and see those moments in time.

Moving away from everyone and everything I knew and loved, to teach in California at the ripe old age of 23!
Moving back home to WA to pursue a job near family and not having success… back to CA I went!
Living alone in a strange house during a large earthquake.
Getting married at the age of 34… step-parenting with an ex that hated me!
Moving to a new city in CA and getting a new job… starting over.
Caring for my step daughter as she recovered from a horrific accident and a traumatic brain injury. (This one made me brave and strong and resilient and selfless)
Divorce… everything I ever believed about myself was challenged and questioned.
Sold my condo and moved back to WA.
New job… again.
Bought a house on my own.
Married the love of my life… step parent to three young children.
Lost both parents and one of my sisters.
Turned 50 and said, “The hell with it! I’m done trying to please everyone!”

Now I continue on this journey to live a brave and real and gorgeous life! I’ve got a lot of scars and old wounds to heal, as well as many wonderful memories to hold on to! I’ve listened to many people who have shared wisdom and counsel with me. I’ve shared my experiences with many… passing along the same. I’ve also talked less and listened more. I was recently told by someone very special to me that talking to me brought her peace. That must be what wisdom looks and sounds like. Jesus in skin.

How have you changed over time? What has happened your life to make you strong and resilient?

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Grief Revisited…

June 24, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

It takes only a song, a smell, a memory shared on FB, a sound, a picture, a date on the calendar… and the grief comes flooding back. Fresh as the day it began.

Today was just that… a date on the calendar. Four months to the day. A time on the clock. It happened right now. The emotions and sadness and heaviness surfaced back up to the top of the heap. I’ve worked so hard to let them go… to quell the sadness… to replace the sorrow with sweet memories that make me smile instead of cry. Her reminders around the house have brought me peace and comfort… until today.

Grief doesn’t happen in a straight line.

Those were the best words ever shared with me by a counselor I sat with for a year after my divorce. And how true they were. I’ve shared them with many friends over the past ten years as they’ve walked through the various stages of grief.

Today I was caught off guard and had to practice what I’ve been preaching!

Four months ago the tears were daily… many times a day. That tapered down to once a day and then several times a week. Eventually the tears have subsided; replaced by a smile and a little whisper that I miss her.

This afternoon felt raw and fresh. Tears. That lost feeling deep in my soul. How has it been four months? It feels like it just happened.

Tonight I’m upstairs preparing a space for a new little kitten (or two!) to join our household. It scares me to turn them loose in our huge old house so I’m creating a space that is smaller and more contained. Eventually they can graduate to the big house!

As I’m sitting here in my rocking chair that Abigail and I spent many hours sharing, I’m having a moment. I feel like the widow that visits her late husbands grave asking him to release her to move on and love again. It sounds crazy, but it’s real. I am, in a sense, asking Abigail to release me to love another kitten or two. Up until now it’s felt like betrayal. How can I love another cat like I’ve loved Abigail for 16 years?

Tonight’s grief revisited has been a blessing. It purged another layer of grief and nudged me to begin to prepare for new life in our home. Once I have the space prepared and the essentials purchased and staged, I will begin the search. I know God will put the right little eyes and ears in my path at just the right moment. Our hearts will connect and a new story will begin.

Abigail’s story will not be forgotten. There will never be another Bubba Girl, but there will be new memories to make and a new one to love and grow with. It’s time. This grief revisited has opened a new door of possibilities and adventures.

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Dedication…

June 18, 2015June 18, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life3 Comments

Several mornings ago I noticed two crows perched out on our trailer. They reminded us of the birds on the Windex commercial! The sat and didn’t move for a very long time.

Not long after that, I noticed a lone crow sitting in the middle of the yard. He didn’t move much and when I walked out into the yard he only fluttered and hopped away from me.

The Windex Birds began squawking at me. I left for work hoping that they would all be gone when I returned home. These black winged creatures are very noisy at very early hours of the morning.

That evening I went out to water the plants and noticed my little friend was still hanging around, now in a different part of the yard. I simply walked past him and the Windex Birds swooped my head! Can you say Alfred Hitchcock? I began to put two and two together. The lone crow is wounded in some way and can’t fly. The Windex Birds are his body guards. As long as he is here, they will also. Fabulous! Every so often they call in all of their friends and the trees fill with loud crows squawking!

Now fast forward to today. I arrive home from work and our little friend is sitting beneath a fir tree near my car. The Windex Birds are not as present as they have been. My little friend is not moving much and has labored breathing. I think he is not long for this world. Our neighborhood is filled with cats and I’m very surprised that he has not yet been dinner for one of them. I found myself praying for him tonight and asking God to take him quickly and not let him suffer. I know… I’m praying for the crows that keep me awake at night! He seems so helpless and alone.

I’ve learned this week that crows are very smart birds and extremely devoted. As long as my little bird is around, the Windex Birds will be as well. They have his back. The have not left. Dedication.

It reminds me of the Marine that never left the side of the young man killed in May. He was with him 24/7 until he was home and delivered to his family. And after that, he stayed with the family to walk them through the final details. Dedication.

It also reminds me of Jesus. He is with me always. When I am weak and wounded, he watches and waits with me. When I am alone and isolate myself, He is with me in my loneliness. When the enemy tries to attack me,Jesus swoops in to protect me. He will never leave me. Dedication. Reminds me of the crows.

As I said earlier, I think my little friend is not long for this world. The Windex Birds sense it as well. They are less aggressive and their presence is not as noticeable. Too bad my little friend does not have the gift of eternity that I have. He will leave this world and it’s done. Thankfully that is not the case for you and me! We move on to glorious eternity! And Jesus will continue to watch over us. Forever dedicated.

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It IS Well With Our Souls…

May 16, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

Uncertainty… fear… worry… pending crisis… facing the unknown.

We all struggle with these. Some seasons feel more intense than others. Where do you go when we are living in these uncertain times? Whom do you call? Do you face them alone?

This morning I awoke with some uncertain fears and worries on my mind. I immediately found myself on the patio with a warm blanket and coffee… ready to spend some time praying and processing those things weighing heavy on my heart. As I opened my ipad to head to Jesus Calling, a message popped up from a very dear friend. She was on her knees crying out to Jesus with her own pending crisis… facing the unknown. She was crying out to Jesus and asking me to join her in prayer.

Suddenly, my struggles were not my focus and I began to encourage her and intercede in prayer on her behalf. The weight of my struggles lessened as did the weight of hers.

Why?

Because we both brought our needs to the Father and in that moment we shared the load. We cut the burden in half – each taking a part. It might be a silly analogy, but it works. If your load is heavy and you give someone half… your load becomes lighter.

I went to the throne room on behalf of my friend and was able to leave some of my stuff there with hers! My early morning quiet time was interrupted by what seemed a greater need. Now, I’m not saying one need is greater than the other… what’s ours is ours. We can’t compare. But I was able to re-adjust my focus and get to the place of surrender without letting it overwhelm me or letting the enemy in. When we reach up and out, we push satan away and he has no room in our lives. He has lost.

We think that when we go to God with our “stuff” that we are trying to win the battle. Truth be told, the battle has already been won. When there is a battle, the king sits on the throne, they don’t pace or run around fighting. It’s the same for our King. The battle has already been won and now Jesus sits at the right hand of His Father. He has won the battle for us by dying on the cross. Now we can know that peace… even amidst our battles.

By the end of our time together (via the ipad) this morning, my friend and I both felt more peaceful about our situations. We joined together and brought them to the Father, and He, from His throne of grace, came down and comforted us both. What a gift!

It is difficult, at times, to reach out when you are hurting. My encouragement to you is just do it. My friend and I have learned that we are always there and willing to share the burden of the other. God always meets us and walks us through our valleys and gives us courage to endure what the rest of the day brings. We come away knowing that no matter what… It IS well with our souls.

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Solitude…

April 18, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

I am one who “needs” to be around others. Alone time for me has always been difficult. The first time I lived alone I was a mess. Growing up in a large family, there were always people around. For the past 28 years I’ve been in a profession where I am around 200+ people every day. Being alone has never been easy.

Going out in public alone used to terrify me. I was older than I’d like to admit when I finally went to the mall alone. I’ve only eaten in a restaurant alone a few times and it was fast food. Never would I go to a sit-down place alone. I have never been to a movie alone. That is on my bucket list!

Today I found myself home alone unexpectedly. Normally I’d lose myself in a book or movie… or maybe be productive and do some household chore. The weather today is absolutely gorgeous and I knew I had to get outside. Yard work did not appeal to me… although it would have been a good choice!

I decided to hop in my car and head to a local winery to scope out a photo shoot location for tomorrow. I headed to Arbor Crest with my camera in hand. It is very strange to be at a place and not know or talk to anyone. It was an hour of solitude and beauty. I wandered and shot and wandered and shot. I did run into my niece and her fiancé, but our visit was short and sweet. I continued on my way, relishing the quiet beauty and sunshine. There were several other people their alone with a glass of wine and a book. Hmmm… I might have to try that! That is very out of my comfort zone, but worth a try!

I’m learning that I need to be okay being alone. God has me in a season and I’m not sure what he is preparing me for, but I’m open to try new things and find another side of myself that I’ve not met yet. I felt great peace and solitude wandering in a beautiful place with my camera in my hand. Photography is becoming quite theraputic for me and I’m grateful for the opportunities I am afforded.

Here is a glimpse of what I saw from behind my camera lens…

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Count Your Blessings… Literally!

March 22, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

Yesterday I spent the afternoon saying goodbye to a very special man. He spent 91 years on earth before graduating from this life. The church was packed with young and old. His quiver was full. In the first few rows sat his wife of 64 years, his four children with their spouses, 13 grand children with their spouses and 7 great grandchildren.

It was a day to celebrate his life. A day to remember all the ways he touched so many. A day to say goodbye and shed some tears while at the same time laughing at the stories told. A day that was special and touching and I was left with some treasures to add to my life… even after he’d gone.

Three of his grandchildren spoke beautifully on his behalf. The first shared a profound message that he had imparted to her in the recent weeks before his passing.

Bill had been experiencing severe back pain which made it difficult to sleep or play golf. One evening lying in bed, the pain had become almost unbearable. He decided to put into practice what he had encouraged his family to do for many years… count his blessings.

Bill laid in his bed and began to count his blessings and think deeply about each one of them. He started with his beautiful wife and thought about all of the glorious moments they had together. That was one. The pain seemed to diminish a bit, but was still there. He continued to remember (and count!) each of his four children… then moving on to each of his grandchildren and great grandchildren. Gradually as he remembered and counted, his pain continued to lessen. When he had counted 68 blessings (yes, he counted and kept track of each one of them) his pain was completely gone. He was able to sleep. The wisdom that he shared with his family over the years really does work. For Bill, it took 68 blessings to take away back pain!

Shortly after that he was diagnosed with bone cancer… the cause of the extreme pain. God knew the excruciating battle that this husband, father and grandfather would fight, and graciously chose to take him home shortly there after. What he left behind is a legacy that goes deep and has forever changed the lives of his family and those of us that have had the privilege of being a part of that.

Life throws us curve balls. Our best laid plans don’t come to fruition. We are told to be thankful amidst the difficulties… praise Him in the storm. That is just what Bill did. Lying in his quiet bed one evening near the end of his life, he counted his blessings – one after the other. That simple act allowed him to focus on what was most important… not the pain that seemed daunting and overwhelming. God pulled him above his suffering and allowed him to experience the joy of being thankful… and the power of counting his blessings.