Just Another Day…

August 2, 2016August 3, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

August 2, 1997. It was just another day for most. It was a big day for me. Happiest day of my life… or so they say. For 7 years it was a day that was celebrated. Today, 19 years later, it’s just another day. One day closer to summer being over and getting back to work.

Today I find myself filled with emotion. I’m sure it’s not all about that day 19 years ago, but that is a part of it. The part of me that came and went in 7 short years. That is not what I envisioned on that sunny day in San Luis Obispo. It was a whirlwind relationship that happened fast. He was taken by my “worship girl” lifestyle and I with his wild side and in love with being in love. Some of his first words to me were, “you are perfect the way you are.” That should have been a red flag, but it only fueled my desire to be loved and love.

Over the last 19 years I’ve loved and lost. I’ve laughed and cried. I’ve had my heart filled and emptied. I’ve had dreams come true and dreams shattered. I’ve come and gone. I’ve hurt and and been hurt. I’ve loved and been loved… and reloved.

Life gets so busy that sometimes I forget to stop and remember. I am a “date remembering” girl, but this far out, today would have been just another day had I not heard the date on the morning news.

August 2…

Emotions came flooding back. I think that I now have a storehouse of memories that the Lord wants me to keep in a special place. They no longer contain anger or hurt or regret. They are sweet and part of who I am today. Had I not journeyed on that short path with the amazing man that “fell in love with me” I might not be sitting where I am today… living the life I have now. It’s funny how one life decision can determine the days to come.

I have some wonderful take aways from that seven year union 19 years ago. My first kiss… and so on and so forth!! (insert blush) A beautiful bonus daughter who is now a mother of a sweet little guy. Family that will always hold a special place in my heart. Seven years of adventures with my “Marlboro Man!”

It’s not what I thought would happen. But it did. Things ended and ten years ago I decided to move away from the memories and at the time, the pain. Of course I was swayed by a tall handsome Irish boy from my past.

Several major life changes later and here I sit. I left a wonderful state I had lived in for 20 years and came home. Quit a really good job… got a new one… thankfully another really good one! Sold a home, bought a home, sold a home and bought another one! Rekindled old friendships and started new ones. Left love behind and had the great blessing of getting to relove and marry my first. I said goodbye to a wonderful bonus daughter and now have three more amazing bonus children. Life is good.

Yes, one simple date on the calendar and oh how the memories and emotions appear. Bittersweet. I am confidently thankful that my Father in Heaven has my journey all mapped out. On that sweet day 19 years ago, I never in a million years would have thought for a second my life would be what it is now. As wonderful as it is, it would not have made sense then. I’m so glad that we don’t get to see our future. Just one day at a time… living well and loving God and loving people.

Cats · Circle of Life · Death · Grace · Healing · Loss · My Journey · Pets · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

Our Sweet Girl…

February 28, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

It was a warm Thursday evening in July of 2000. As I strolled past the large box in the garage our eyes met. I stopped in my tracks and said, “You shall be mine and I shall call you Abigail.”

That was our beginning. She sat quietly amidst the rest of the litter as they romped and squirmed. Our love story began in that moment.

The month long wait to bring her home was grueling. After all, our hearts bonded in that quick moment the first time we locked eyes. Anticipation filled my days.

September 1 finally arrived. I picked her up and brought her home filled with nerves and excitement! I’d had kittens before, but something about this one seemed different. Something deep in my soul knew that she would be different.

Abigail Grace…

In her first 5 years she was Abigail (Grace) Adams. When you teach 5th grade and US History there is some fun to be had! She was famous! Oh I love the innocent gullibility of kids! FYI… she is not related to John Quincy Adams… nor was I for that matter! In those five years many “Abigial” stories were told and she became part of my teaching. The students loved her without ever meeting her in person.

How can a four-legged creature become such an important part of ones life?

Nearly 16 years later this little girl has impacted my life more than I can even put into words. People talk about the loyalty of dogs. Don’t ever underestimate a cat… especially this one!

My sweet girl was by my side through a horrific accident of my step daughter, a divorce, a thousand mile move back home, several moves once here and three deaths in my family, not to mention all of the little hurdles life put in my path. Many tears fell on her sweet little head as I cried and held her… or she held me.

Many say that cats are selfish and only think of themselves. Not my girl. Abigail was very intuitive and knew just the right moment to snuggle in and show her support and affection.

In her first 5 years she was not a lap cat. She might have jumped up for a minute, but quickly got down. She only needed to be near us, but not sit with us.

The day back in 2005 that my ex husband moved out I came home to find her in a corner where a piece of furniture had been. Her beautiful green eyes looked up at me with a very sad and confused look. That was the straw that broke for me. I burst into tears and sat down in the rocker. Moments later she was sitting in my lap, consoling and comforting. From that moment on when I sat down she was in my lap or sitting next to me. That continued for the rest of her life. Intuitive and compassionate she was.

In 2006 I moved back home. I reconnected with my first love and we began a relationship. I told him about my cat and he quickly shared that he was not fond of cats. I assured him that Abigail would steal his heart and they would be fine. When I told his young son (age 5 at the time) that I had a cat, he too quickly told me that his daddy didn’t like cats. I assured him that all was well. He then told me that no his daddy really really didn’t like cats and that he would shoot her in the ass! I guess they had many strays that would hang out in their yard and leave their treasures in the gardens! We still laugh about that today!

Well, Daddy grew to love Abigail and at times their relationship rivaled mine with the both of them! They had daily moments and routines shared only between the two of them. She did steal his heart! No shooting necessary!

Today it is very quiet around our house. We both find ourselves looking and listening for our sweet girl. I have always said that if you audio taped our home you would think we had a daughter named Abigail! She was an integral part of our days… this little four-legged gift. She loved unconditionally and with a flare that was all her own! There will never be another Abigail Grace… Gooty Girl… Bubba Girl… Goots… Pretty Girl…Abergooty…Most Photographed Cat on the Planet!

Rest in Peace Sweet Abigail Grace…

Healing · Hope · Lessons Learned · life happens... · Questions to Ponder · Struggles · The Journey

Beautiful…

July 25, 2014 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

What defines beauty?

What qualities deem one beautiful?

Recently on FB, there is a game (for lack of a better term) going around. If you are tagged, you are asked to post five photo’s of yourself in which you feel beautiful. I have only seen a few people take on the challenge. Is that because it is new and not challenged many women yet? Or is it because women don’t feel deserving of posting photo’s in which they feel beautiful?

What makes a person beautiful? Money? Status? Fame? Hair color? Character? Size?

I posed a question to my FB friends recently. What do you think of when you hear the word beautiful in regards to a person? What is your definition of beautiful? Be honest! Go!

I received many replies, and for that I am grateful. I wish I could post them all. Here are a few of what people shared…

Fruits of the Spirit, love, joy , peace, patience, gentleness, self-control, all wrapped in a package of thankfulness. A beautiful person is born from times of trial that forge and season their hearts.

It radiates from the inside out. Someone who is beautiful, smiles and makes you smile, just because you are inspired through them. You can feel their beauty, not just see it.

I believe a beautiful person has all these qualities, but doesn’t “know” it; humble and selfless, gives to others even when they don’t have anything to give but a smile and their love.

Balanced in care for others and self. Gentle in spirit.

Someone, who even in the midst of ugliness and pain, manages to shine!

Someone who has joy in their life. It shows from the inside out!

I noticed as I read each person’s reply, that no one really made it about physical appearance. It was about character and heart and attitude. Yet, our society has made it all about appearance.

Our poor teens don’t stand a chance. I have two stunningly beautiful step daughters… absolutely gorgeous. Both of them struggle with being pretty enough. They embody physical beauty associated with appearance. Our world has made it very difficult. Beauty is about size, shape, hair color, skin tone, clothing, money/status… must I go on? This breaks my heart. We have a generation growing up that has missed the part about “beauty forged from times of trial.” Or “balanced in care for others and self.” This generation does not think of others. They’ve been trained to look out for number one! And being beautiful is on the top of the list.

I know in my head that beauty is not about physical appearance. Yes, there are people out there that are truly “beautiful” in a physical sense. Our eyes are drawn to them. We often compare ourselves to them, whether we know it or not.

While I KNOW that beauty goes beyond physical, I don’t always believe it for myself. For others, absolutely! I can see beauty in each one of you! I can convince you that you are THE MOST beautiful person out there! But when I turn the tables and see myself in that mirror, all that I know about what truly makes one beautiful goes out the window!

Am I going to be chosen for a cover spot on a magazine? NO! Do I turn heads as I walk down the street! Oh gracious no! Will I make the list for the most beautiful people? Mum, NO! Thank goodness!

I KNOW that my beauty comes from deep within and it was given to me and is nurtured by my heavenly Father. I am infinitely precious to Him. How very much He loves me. He is with me. He has cried tears and rejoiced with me. I am worth it to Him. I am beautiful.

Now to get my head and my heart to agree on this issue! I am going to find five photo’s that I feel beautiful in. I don’t plan on sharing them, but it is a challenge I want to take on. I’ve got layer upon layer of issues in my life that coupled with the word beautiful, cause great agony and heartache. I’ve got a long way to go.

My beloved spoke and said to me, arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. (Song of Solomon 2:10)

Circle of Friends · Gifts · Grace · Healing · Hope · Lessons Learned · life happens... · Prayers · Uncategorized

The Mix of Life’s Emotions…

July 3, 2014July 3, 2014 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

Social media is changing the way we live. The way we view life. The way we view people around us. We all want to present well. We generally don’t tweet or post the ugly stuff in our lives. We post the good stuff. The happy times. That one photograph that can make everyone think we’ve got it all together. I don’t think most of us do this intentionally. It comes naturally. We want people to see the good in our lives, not the struggles.

Everyone has a story. We all carry joys and burdens around with us each day. Some with greater joy and less heartache. Others with more heartache than joy. Some of us have the ability to keep that heartache tucked away neatly so others may not see it. Some buried so deeply they themselves don’t even see it. Others wear their hearts on their shirtsleeves, walking around transparent to those around them.

Life is hard. Life is amazing. Life is scary. Life is exciting. Life is full of hurt. Life is full of love. Life is difficult relationships. Life is incredible relationships.

It’s nearly impossible to always live as if life if great, grand and glorious! To wear that smile and attitude as if we’ve got everything in control is a burden in itself.

The flip side of that is that it’s exhausting to live with the hurts and trials of life dominating our world. Walking around with the glass half empty.

Our lives are a mix of struggles and joy. We’ve got to embrace them as they come and not try to hide or bury them. Exposing our heart a little more can allow not only ourselves to embrace the journey, but let others join us, so together WE can walk the path.

Life is full of emotions that collide in the moment. This can be a beautiful thing if we let them.

Sadness and gratitude.
Grief and grace.
Pain and beauty.

One without the other can be overwhelming. Finding gratitude amidst sadness brings hope. Receiving and extending grace as we grieve is healing. Finding beauty in our pain strengthens our endurance.

We must live an authentic life. People want to see our true hearts and struggles, not just our best FB world! We are called to reach out to others in our time of need and in theirs. Isolation is lonely. Fellowship is glorious and healing. Finding a community of people to come alongside and share this journey we are on. This journey that is full sadness and gratitude… grief and grace… pain and beauty.

Grace · Healing · Hope · life happens... · Prayers

Believe… Even When It’s Difficult

June 24, 2014 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

What do you do when life does not go the way you expect it to? When it throws you a curve ball so curvy that you can’t even begin to catch it? When it was thrown so hard it knocks you off balance?

You spin, you whirl, you wobble, you fall. You fall down hard. So hard that for a time you can’t even think straight. Blindsided? Or were you? Did you see it coming and just put your head in the sand day after day?

Now what? Where do you go from here?

Jesus… sweet Jesus. Hang on tight. Hold his hand. Press in and be thankful even when you don’t think you can.

“He does not give you more than you can handle.” Really? That overused line does not bring comfort. Oh, how it’s spoken recklessly to people in crisis.

Stop! Breathe. Draw close to him and settle in. Pray… hope… trust… pray… believe.

Believe that broken things can be restored.
Believe that disappointment is not forever.
Believe that after every storm dissipates
there is clarity and light.
Believe that even if love and kindness
doesn’t change them,
it will change you.

(The Backroads Girl)

Generations · Gifts · Grace · Healing · Hope · Prayers · Seasons · Struggles · The Journey

Our Father Who Are in Heaven…

June 15, 2014June 25, 2014 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

Early this morning I sat on my patio amidst a spring/summer rain storm taking in the sights and sounds… wrapped in a blanket with a hot cup of coffee. Our birdhouse hung quiet and seemingly empty. After a time, Dad swooped in and landed on the birdhouse perch. For the past two weeks that would have brought hungry and noisy babies to the hole searching for food. This morning the hole was quiet. Dad sat there very still, then looked in the house and all around. No babies. After 16 days of life, they have flown the coop. He seemed a bit distraught and worried, yet I sensed calm satisfaction.

Ironically, today is Father’s Day. I guess he can feel good about raising up his babies and helping them become independent and able to be on their own.

Today is a day for Father’s to be honored and remembered and celebrated. For some, today is a happy, joyous day. Strong relationships with their father/children allow this day to be a day of celebration with or without. Memories old and new surface and happiness fills the air.

For others, today brings great sadness and heartache. Father’s lost…relationships tarnished or lost. Hurt and regret and sadness cloud the day. I can think of three friends that are grieving the loss of their fathers in the past year and for one, the past two weeks. While good memories are there, they are buried deep underneath the sorrow and grief that hang low in the air right now. For some, there are no good memories… only hurt and pain.

I think about the fathers that are suffering today. Lost relationships with children. Current relationships that are difficult and challenging… all the while testing that deep unconditional love of a father. My heart is heavy for them today.

As I’m watching people around me rejoice and struggle, I’m brought to my knees with my own grief and sorrow and joy. I am clinging to the hope for all of us… the hope of our heavenly father. Our unconditionally loving father. Our eternal father.

Much like the father bird this morning, He perches up in heaven watching out for us. Coming back to see if we are there. If we are okay. He coaxes us out of the birdhouse when we need it. He protects us when we are out and on our own. He brings us food when we are hungry and can’t find it ourselves. He is constant…

Earthly fathers can only give what they have been given. For some that is greater than others. The roll of a father is precious and difficult and bittersweet. Today my heart is yearning for every father to feel loved and valued and honored and cherished… not only by earthly beings but also our father who art in heaven.

Generations · Gifts · Grace · Healing · Hope · Lessons Learned · life happens... · Prayers · Questions to Ponder

There Will Be A Day…

April 9, 2014 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

One minute everything seems to be okay. Life seems quiet. No storms. Just when you think things are quieting down… taking a turn in the right direction. Then the phone rings late. I can hear a voice talking loudly on the other end. The curtain has once again come down.

I crawl into bed, hoping to just ignore it all and let sleep distract me. Nope. It didn’t happen. Restless and not wanting to keep him awake, I escape to the living room to walk and pray. Pray about what? I know nothing about what is going on. “Discipline issues.” That’s all he said to me.

Although the sun is shining and it’s vacation, life is still happening around me. Life has been happening around us for quite a while now and I’ve often wondered if other’s feel the same struggles we do? It’s like being on a roller coaster… up and down and up and down. Some times faster than others.

Eight years ago I found myself alone after 8 years of marriage. I was settling into this new life and then an old life emerged and changed everything. I fell in love again with a man I’d never really stopped loving. I’m in love with that man today. Our love changed my world, moving me back from whence I came.

Then reality set in. I’m in love with someone that is hurt and broken and struggling. We are a pair to draw from. I’m the same way. Just when I think I have it together…I’m reminded that I don’t!. MY demons rear their ugly heads.

It’s like when you throw a rock into a calm lake. The rock hits the water and then ripples out. No matter the size of the stone or the force of the throw, it still ripples out. Sometime the ripples seem to go out further and further, as if they will never stop.

Our lives have that same effect. For everythingthing we say or do, there are ripples of effect. Some good. Some sad. Some hard. Some amazing. Most of those ripples involve others. The stakeholders in our lives. My hurt and pain and choices, all in some way or another, effect those in my life. My mood and emotions engulf those around me. Is that fair?

There is an old saying, “you hurt those you love the most.” Is that fair? It sends the most confusing message. I love you, therefore I am going to hurt you. How many times have we been the recipient of this? The giver of this? Our world is made up of fallen beings. The sin in the garden set that one in motion. It’s part of who we are and what we do. Does that make it right? Are we forgiven? God forgives. Some people forgive. I forgive some people. I’m fallen. You are fallen. Together we are fallen.

My heart that was heavy an hour ago has lightened a bit. The sun is shining and I’m on vacation. I was also gently reminded that while other can cause grief and heartache for me, I do the same. It’s easy to get caught up in a “they hurt me” mentality,” losing sight of our place in this broken world.

When I think I’ve got my ducks all lined up… then WHAM! They all fly away loudly!

A song by Jeremy Camp called There Will Be a Day, popped into my head as I sit writing this morning.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have

But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab

The many trials that seem to never end, His endless Word declares this truth

That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more , we’ll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always

In the meantime, as we live in this fallen world with hurting people just like ourselves, we have a hope on the horizon. I’m holding tight to that today.

I’ve let myself get so caught up in the everyday mire that I temporarily lost sight of what I hold do dearly… my hope in Jesus. He’s got this one. He’s got all of the late night phone calls, the tears, the child-rearing heartaches, the relationship struggles, the past hurts and suffering… as well as the joys and celebrations. We will have all of this with those we love and yes, we will hurt those we love.

But there will be a day…