2018… A New Year

December 31, 2017 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

Last day of 2017.

I’d be lying if I said I’m sad to see this year end and a new year begin.

I know it’s just a day on a calendar but there is something about anticipating a fresh start… a do-over of sorts.

I don’t want to dwell on 2017… in less than 16 hours it’s over! Bye bye!

This morning I’m up early reflecting on the past year… things that happened and did not happen. I made health and fitness “resolutions” last year and… well, here is sit older and in worse physical shape than I’ve ever been. Hmmmm….

I made a resolution to”be closer to God” yet I spent most of the year staying away from church and keeping God at a stones throw. Thankfully that has been restored… and rekindled.

So, in 2018, I’m resolving to not make resolutions… you know that list you make. The list that is full of things that are all about being a better person… usually on the outside. I’ve got journals full of them! If I lined them up they would probably all look the same!

2018… it’s weird to say and hard to believe. 18 years into the 21st century. 55 years after the year I was born. What does it bring?

2018 promises this…

365 days

52.18 weeks

8,765.82 hours

535,949.2 minutes

31,556952 seconds

What we do with that time is up to us. What will we fill our days, weeks, hours, minutes and seconds with?

Here’s what I hope to fill my time with…

Love more… judge less

Listen more… talk less

Pray more… grumble less

Move more… eat less

Sleep more… worry less

Serve more…sit less

Play more… strive less

Connect more… hide less

Encourage more… complain less

Live more… enjoy the moment…

Love who I am and where I am right now.

I’ll leave you with a few words to encourage as we embark on 2018. It’s like getting a brand new journal – never been written in! Ready for a new story!

“So, let’s take heart, keep on, fight the good fight, pray continuously, and do not grow weary. There is nothing better than giving up everything and stepping into a passionate love relationship with God, the God of the universe who made galaxies, leaves, laughter, and me and you.” -Francis Chan

And now may the courage of early morning’s dawning,
And the strength of eternal hills at noontime,
And the peace of open spaces at evening’s ending,
And the love of God abide in your hearts now and forever.” Amen.
– Harry K. Zeller, from the BRETHREN HYMNAL

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Expectations…

December 17, 2017 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

Expectations. We all have them. We all have them imposed upon us.

Webster says that an expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. Yep… my life has been full of expectations.

My biggest expectations come around the holidays. I tend to have a little Norman Rockwell in me and I imagine perfect family gatherings… like the ones you see on TV commercials and in the movies. Fabulous food (all hot at the same time!) around a beautifully set table (that fits everyone) and conversation that is bright and cheery, reminiscing days gone by.

Like I said… expectations… and this does not happen in my world.

Nine times out of ten I’m disappointed when all is said and done, along with exhausted from trying to make it happen.

My rose colored glasses have gotten in the way of expectations in marriage. In gaining a family after getting married.

Christmas is the most difficult for unmet expectations. Every year I say I’m not going to get my hopes up and every year I have feelings of disappointment. I imagined starting some Christmas traditions which never materialized. Some of the expectations I have are not worth sharing, as they are a bit shallow. They have actually been an expectation since I was a child and they have wandered their way into my adult life. Every year I promise myself I won’t let them get me down.

As I read Ann Voskamp’s The Greatest Gift one morning recently, I came across these words…

Expectations can come steal the gifts.

I’ve come to realize that I set an agenda for God each Christmas. Ann Voskamp says that when we have an agenda for God, we can’t see the gifts from Him. I am missing out on so much because I have MY idea of what I want to happen. As I’ve pondered this truth this past week, I’m praying that I can finally shake my years of expectations and settle in to all that God has in store for me and for my family. This year I’m open to receive His gifts and leave my expectations at the door. Oh the anticipation!

I am more sinful and flawed than I ever dared believe, more loved and welcomed than I ever dared hope. -Elyse M. Fitzpatrick

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The Battle Belongs to Him…

February 5, 2017 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

Life feels hard right now. Nationwide, people are angry. People are afraid. People are confused. The next four years feel very unsettled. Social media has exploded with all of these feelings and emotions pouring out everyday. I’ve tried hard not to let myself get too caught up in emotion.

Then there is the next layer of heartache.

For some life is hard right now because of very personal battles they are fighting. Their own battles or battles of loved ones. Some are being fought and some battles have been lost. Some are in limbo… waiting. Illness, relationships, death.

These past few weeks I’ve found myself standing in the gap on behalf of many… most I know and a handful I don’t know but have committed to pray for them. I asked God to break my heart for the things that break His. He came through. Daily I’m on my knees interceding for friends and loved ones and strangers… calling on Jesus to bring each one of these precious people just what they need at just the right moment. Peace. Comfort. Healing. Strength. Closure. Grace. Hope. Tears. Laughter. Memories.

At times I’ve felt so helpless, wishing I could do more. Wishing I could be there to give them a hug or sit and listen. I’ve prayed for them to be able to praise the heavens amidst the storm. I’ve prayed for their memories of their loved one to be sweet and comforting. I’ve prayed for healing. I’ve prayed for the stakeholders in the lives of the suffering, for those people also feel the affects of the heartache. Many times all I can do is pray for God’s will in the situation.

As I’ve been interceding on behalf of others, I’ve been reminded of the battles I’ve fought over the years. Difficult battles. Life-changing battles. Lost battles. Battles of loss.

A few of those battles felt as if I’d never recover. Life would never be the same. I would never have joy again. For when I am in the middle of a battle it is easy to lose sight of the other side. I forget that it is being fought by the greatest Warrior of all.

The battle is already won. Is it the outcome I want? Perhaps not. But the God of Hope will be our warrior and bring us the peace and comfort needed to sustain us as we venture on this earthly journey. The older I get and the more battles I see, the more excited I get for eternity. For this life is temporary and heaven is eternal. One day none of this will matter.

But in the meantime… we need to hold on to the hope of Christ. No matter if our struggles and fears are for the state of our nation or closer to home… there is hope and the battle belongs to the Lord.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

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2016… What a Year!

December 31, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

2016… oh what a year! It’s one that will go down in history for so many reasons. I’ve managed to NOT let the stress of things of the world get me down. I’ve felt sad about the losses of well-known people who have passed away… people I’ve grown up with. I’ve managed to keep my emotions out of the presidential election. All I can do is pray for the days to come. I have no control of the worldly events of the past year.

All I can really control is the events of my life… and even those are not always controllable. I can think about the past year but can’t change a thing that has already happened. The story is written and published. All I can do it reflect on the words on each page, take what I can that will propel me positively into the new year and then close the book, placing it carefully on the shelf with the other 53 books.

2016 was a year. A year of hard work, new relationships, loss, struggle, new memories, career challenges, laughter, tears, loving, choosing to love, growth, new beginnings, dreams lost and dreams being realized…

There are some definite things I can take away from 2016. While I’d like to take away only the positive, I realize that it’s some of the tough things that will change me and motivate me in the coming year.

Here are my take-aways from 2016:

I have infinite worth! Enough said!

I am the only one that can determine how my day will unfold. It’s not the responsibility of my husband, friends or co-workers… it’s mine. I choose my attitude towards the day.

If I don’t include God in my day things tend to go south. Unfortunately I’ve allowed this to happen one too many times.

Everyday is a gift – wrapped with a beautiful bow. I get to choose how I open it and what I do with it. Some gifts can be large and fancy, while others might be little and seemingly unimportant. It’s up to me to look at each gift and cherish what it brings… not wishing and hoping for more or different. Gifts are all around us and sometimes we miss them. It’s the tiniest things that can bring the greatest joy!

Just when you think you’ve loved something so much and losing it will leave you empty forever… think again! Be bold and risk loving again!

Two kittens are better than one! Just saying!

As we move into 2017, my prayer for everyone is that we will all believe in our infinite worth and value. I pray our lives will reflect that. For me that means taking better care of myself… believing that I’m worth investing in. Even when that investment is difficult but necessary. I pray we all have others in our lives to share the journey. I pray that we can all do the two simple things that God asks of us… love God and love people. This feels more important than ever with the coming months and changes in our nation.

May 2017 bring abundant love, grace and passion in each of our lives. I leave you with this prayer.

“And now may the courage of early morning’s dawning,

And the strength of eternal hills at noontime,

And the peace of open spaces at evening’s ending,

And the love of God abide in your hearts now and forever.” Amen.

– Harry K. Zeller, from the BRETHREN HYMNAL

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#lovewins

June 27, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on Life2 Comments

This morning I’m irritated. I’m irritated because it’s way too hot for the end of June and I didn’t sleep worth a darn last night. I’m irritated because it’s only 9:15 and almost too hot to be on my patio.

This morning I’m also disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself and in people in general. Why?

Yesterday, June 26, 2015, our US Supreme Court ruled that all states must honor gay marriage. For the past 24 hours I have remained quiet on the issue, only checking a few “like” buttons on people’s FB posts. I’ve only checked those on which I know only a few people will see that I agreed with what they said…those whom share the same belief.

Thus enters my disappointment in myself. I’ve not felt strong enough to publicly expose my views on the topic of gay marriage. What will those who believe differently than I think of me? Will they publicly call me out on FB and possibly unfriend me? Will life-long friendships be lost because we disagree on an issue that I believe is tearing our nation apart?

Even as I type this I can feel a sense of anxiety coming over me.

Several years ago, an older gentleman came to my door asking if I was a registered voter. I told him I was. What transpired next shocked me on many levels. He was delighted to hear I was and instructed me to sign his petition. I calmly asked what the petition was about and then proceeded to tell him that I will absolutely NOT sign because I did not agree with it. He proceeded to tell me that was a shame and walked away from my doorstep. And that was that. I closed the door and realized that I had a very strong opinion on the issue. That was the beginning of me realizing that I don’t have to support what everyone thinks I should or says I should. I am free to believe in whatever I choose to support.

I am a Christ-follower and have been for 29 years. I’m not a deep theologian or master of the Bible. I’ve often joked during deep theological discussions with my brother that he is more “Charles Wesley” and I am more “Max Lucado!” ( No offense Max! Your writing is straightforward and easy for me to understand!) I would not say I’m very deep in my theological thinking but I love Jesus with everything in my being. I need things spelled out pretty plain and simple.

As a Christ-follower, I’ve always been pretty swayed by what I’m involved with. If the masses are believing it then I must as well. I’ve never really allowed myself to disagree with what everyone else is agreeing with. I’m a peace-maker and don’t want to rock the boat.

FB has become a place for people to share political and religious opinions. I totally stay away from politics. I might share a “religious” thought but have never told another person that what they believe is right or wrong. I just share my heart hoping to encourage one who needs it and leave it at that. I’m not scripturally strong, but love The Word. Can I quote it? Not much. Can I pull out a verse on the fly to make a point? Not really. but I’m okay with that.

Yesterday, FB blew up! Rainbows and #lovewins were and still are everywhere. Along with those are many scripture references and downright words of hate and malice. Thus my disappointment in people.

As I grapple with making my heart known publicly, I have resolved to NOT apologize for my beliefs, nor do I need to justify one way or another what I think and feel.

Am I risking friendships? Possibly.

Does that make my heart sad? Yes.

One apology that I will make is to my dear friends from many years ago in CA, Gabe and Michael. They had a marriage ceremony that I did not attend. I was opposed to what they were doing and I could not justify being there in support. (At that time I also only watched G movies as well…) I hear I missed a fabulous party! Today they are two amazing men sharing a life together with two amazing sons! To you, my friends, I’m sorry that my narrow-mindedness kept me from celebrating with you.

I am blessed with many friends. Black, white, native, fat, thin, young, old, single, married, divorced, widowed, gay, straight, happy, unhappy, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, agnostic, atheist…the list goes on. Regardless of the label or labels that each one may hold, they – no WE, are all people who love and desire to be loved.

I had a very dear friend come to me in tears years ago out at camp. She was dreading telling me something very important to her because I was a Christian and she was sure I would disapprove and no longer like her. She shared that she was a lesbian. I was so sad that she thought I would not still love her after hearing that. That was the beginning of my eyes opening up.

My world is full of people – gay and straight. I love them all! God has called me to LOVE with abandonment, no matter what. Love God and love people. I’ve watched my Christian brother and sister, along with their spouses grapple with the reality of a gay/lesbian child. When a belief system is rocked to the core, it’s difficult. All of them chose love. They chose to “stay in the room” with their children; loving and supporting all the way. That’s how it should be… in my humble opinion.

Sin is sin. We ALL struggle with it every day. Yes, God hates sin, but He DOES NOT HATE THE SINNER. If you are going to disapprove of someone because they want to legally be with the one they love, then disapprove of me… for I’m sure I’ve done something sinful that you disapprove of as well. Sin is sin… but love is what God calls us to do. In the words of a very wise young girl back when she was ten (she is now 13), ‘Why does it matter who you marry as long as you love each other?”
We will all have to stand before our Creator one day and account for all we’ve done. No one is exempt. I believe in my heart and mind, simple as it may be, that we have God in a box. Today I chose to love… no matter what lifestyle a person chooses. I’m elated for my family and friends who finally get to legally share a life with the one they love. I’m thinking out of the box and doing what God is calling me to do… Love regardless.

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So Why the Yellow Towel?

April 13, 2014 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

I took it from the rag pile. A small butter yellow bath hand towel. Faded from years of use and occasional bleaching. The edges were tattered. It would be perfect to wipe down the newly cleaned bathroom fixtures.

I walked into the bathroom and laid the yellow towel on the counter. Suddenly the memories came flooding back. A strong wave of emotion came over me. It was 1997 and I was in my house on Butterscotch Lane.

As clear as day, I remembered all of the towels we received as wedding gifts. Our towel colors were dark blue, butter yellow, and white. The yellow were my favorites. I kept those out for my bathroom.

By this point I’m a puddle and can’t even think about cleaning. I’m transported back in time. I am newly married and setting up house. Everything was new. I am beginning my forever life with the man I married. The man with whom I’d grow old.

It seems like just yesterday that I was a blushing bride walking down the path to say my vows at the beautiful Apple Farm. At that moment in time, everything seemed perfect. August 2, 1997.

I’m standing in the bathroom with this damn yellow towel and felt the urge to do the math. I was married for the first time 16+ years ago. Sixteen years????? Where has time gone? It was just yesterday. I was 34 and had the rest of my life ahead of me.

Another story for another day, but by 2006 I was packing up those yellow towels and moving back home… without my husband. He decided he’d rather do life alone. So, off I go to begin again and start over. In tow were a few things from that eight year journey.

Today I’m happily married to a man I fell in love with many, many years ago. It’s been nine years since my divorce. Plenty of time to get over it and leave it behind. Slowly, the things that came north with me have gotten broken or given away. The latest was the last of my crystal ice tea glasses. While it was only a glass, there were memories behind it. Needless to say, I had a small moment of emotion over that one.

So why the yellow towel? What did it trigger that brought emotions up so fresh and raw? How can a simple towel take me back in time? Then the questions start… Why? What if? Do I have regrets? Will I ever truly be over him? If a stupid towel takes me down, imagine if I were to see him in person? Would I be strong enough?

Emotions are crazy. Memories are powerful. Feelings are deep. Those three together can really reek some havoc. I guess today I needed to stop and process a bit more of something from my past. While I don’t live in the past, it still creeps up. So my little yellow towel, not only will wipe clean the bathroom, but will help me wipe clean a trail of emotions and memories that need to be sorted through, weeded out, and left behind… one more time.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and now to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

God’s got my heart right where He wants it. Currently, it’s nestled in the middle of an old yellow hand towel. I have to be willing and open to let Him use simple things like a tattered old towel to grow and change and heal me. No one ever said it would be easy.

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There Will Be A Day…

April 9, 2014 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

One minute everything seems to be okay. Life seems quiet. No storms. Just when you think things are quieting down… taking a turn in the right direction. Then the phone rings late. I can hear a voice talking loudly on the other end. The curtain has once again come down.

I crawl into bed, hoping to just ignore it all and let sleep distract me. Nope. It didn’t happen. Restless and not wanting to keep him awake, I escape to the living room to walk and pray. Pray about what? I know nothing about what is going on. “Discipline issues.” That’s all he said to me.

Although the sun is shining and it’s vacation, life is still happening around me. Life has been happening around us for quite a while now and I’ve often wondered if other’s feel the same struggles we do? It’s like being on a roller coaster… up and down and up and down. Some times faster than others.

Eight years ago I found myself alone after 8 years of marriage. I was settling into this new life and then an old life emerged and changed everything. I fell in love again with a man I’d never really stopped loving. I’m in love with that man today. Our love changed my world, moving me back from whence I came.

Then reality set in. I’m in love with someone that is hurt and broken and struggling. We are a pair to draw from. I’m the same way. Just when I think I have it together…I’m reminded that I don’t!. MY demons rear their ugly heads.

It’s like when you throw a rock into a calm lake. The rock hits the water and then ripples out. No matter the size of the stone or the force of the throw, it still ripples out. Sometime the ripples seem to go out further and further, as if they will never stop.

Our lives have that same effect. For everythingthing we say or do, there are ripples of effect. Some good. Some sad. Some hard. Some amazing. Most of those ripples involve others. The stakeholders in our lives. My hurt and pain and choices, all in some way or another, effect those in my life. My mood and emotions engulf those around me. Is that fair?

There is an old saying, “you hurt those you love the most.” Is that fair? It sends the most confusing message. I love you, therefore I am going to hurt you. How many times have we been the recipient of this? The giver of this? Our world is made up of fallen beings. The sin in the garden set that one in motion. It’s part of who we are and what we do. Does that make it right? Are we forgiven? God forgives. Some people forgive. I forgive some people. I’m fallen. You are fallen. Together we are fallen.

My heart that was heavy an hour ago has lightened a bit. The sun is shining and I’m on vacation. I was also gently reminded that while other can cause grief and heartache for me, I do the same. It’s easy to get caught up in a “they hurt me” mentality,” losing sight of our place in this broken world.

When I think I’ve got my ducks all lined up… then WHAM! They all fly away loudly!

A song by Jeremy Camp called There Will Be a Day, popped into my head as I sit writing this morning.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have

But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab

The many trials that seem to never end, His endless Word declares this truth

That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more , we’ll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always

In the meantime, as we live in this fallen world with hurting people just like ourselves, we have a hope on the horizon. I’m holding tight to that today.

I’ve let myself get so caught up in the everyday mire that I temporarily lost sight of what I hold do dearly… my hope in Jesus. He’s got this one. He’s got all of the late night phone calls, the tears, the child-rearing heartaches, the relationship struggles, the past hurts and suffering… as well as the joys and celebrations. We will have all of this with those we love and yes, we will hurt those we love.

But there will be a day…