Seasons

Hanging On or Letting Go

November 22, 2022 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

I’m sitting here under a cozy blanket, quickly cooling coffee next to me, and a cat (finally calm) watching me. I’ve got YouTube on the TV with a beautiful Christmas scene inside a home with snow falling outside and soft music playing. I’ve recently put up my Christmas decorations and I’m enjoying them let up around me.

My description of this moment feels like Christmas is near. Truth be told, Christmas is over a month away. We are just two days away from Thanksgiving, yet the feel in the air is different.

As I look past a sleeping kitten on the back of the davenport, I see so many leaves outside mixed with snow. There is more snow expected this afternoon.

The leaves I see are on the ground and still in the trees. They have long since lost their bright fall colors and have faded and are dry. There are still “green” leaves on the trees that are faded and dead. They seem to be hanging on.

Fall into winter is such a season of conflict. The beauty we held onto through the summer turns glorious and then it’s gone. Usually by now the trees are empty, the leaves have been removed, and we are awaiting winter.

This year winter came early and seems to have halted the progression of fall letting go.

I love fall. Aside from its beauty, it is a time to let go of things and prepare to rest and heal through the winter. Then when spring arrives we have room in our lives to begin anew.

Think about all of the plants that die in the fall and then go dormant for winter. It’s hard to imagine we will ever see their beauty again. They’ve let go.

But alas, spring arrives and they reappear more beautiful than ever! It’s glorious! Had they not let go, they would not be able to grow and bloom again.

I’m sitting her thinking about what I need to relinquish to God this morning. What do I need to let go of? Lies I’ve believed. Past hurts and stories that need to be put to bed for good. Chapters that need to end. Fears laid at His feet. Should of… would of… could of… done.

Am I holding on to these things like the trees are holding on to the leaves? Will clean-up be more difficult the longer I hold on? Will the next snow fall just cover up the leaves and make getting rid of them even more difficult?

God of heaven, help us all to let go of what needs to die so we might prepare for new growth through the winter. We look forward with faith and hope for the things to come.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Just Another Day…

August 2, 2016August 3, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

August 2, 1997. It was just another day for most. It was a big day for me. Happiest day of my life… or so they say. For 7 years it was a day that was celebrated. Today, 19 years later, it’s just another day. One day closer to summer being over and getting back to work.

Today I find myself filled with emotion. I’m sure it’s not all about that day 19 years ago, but that is a part of it. The part of me that came and went in 7 short years. That is not what I envisioned on that sunny day in San Luis Obispo. It was a whirlwind relationship that happened fast. He was taken by my “worship girl” lifestyle and I with his wild side and in love with being in love. Some of his first words to me were, “you are perfect the way you are.” That should have been a red flag, but it only fueled my desire to be loved and love.

Over the last 19 years I’ve loved and lost. I’ve laughed and cried. I’ve had my heart filled and emptied. I’ve had dreams come true and dreams shattered. I’ve come and gone. I’ve hurt and and been hurt. I’ve loved and been loved… and reloved.

Life gets so busy that sometimes I forget to stop and remember. I am a “date remembering” girl, but this far out, today would have been just another day had I not heard the date on the morning news.

August 2…

Emotions came flooding back. I think that I now have a storehouse of memories that the Lord wants me to keep in a special place. They no longer contain anger or hurt or regret. They are sweet and part of who I am today. Had I not journeyed on that short path with the amazing man that “fell in love with me” I might not be sitting where I am today… living the life I have now. It’s funny how one life decision can determine the days to come.

I have some wonderful take aways from that seven year union 19 years ago. My first kiss… and so on and so forth!! (insert blush) A beautiful bonus daughter who is now a mother of a sweet little guy. Family that will always hold a special place in my heart. Seven years of adventures with my “Marlboro Man!”

It’s not what I thought would happen. But it did. Things ended and ten years ago I decided to move away from the memories and at the time, the pain. Of course I was swayed by a tall handsome Irish boy from my past.

Several major life changes later and here I sit. I left a wonderful state I had lived in for 20 years and came home. Quit a really good job… got a new one… thankfully another really good one! Sold a home, bought a home, sold a home and bought another one! Rekindled old friendships and started new ones. Left love behind and had the great blessing of getting to relove and marry my first. I said goodbye to a wonderful bonus daughter and now have three more amazing bonus children. Life is good.

Yes, one simple date on the calendar and oh how the memories and emotions appear. Bittersweet. I am confidently thankful that my Father in Heaven has my journey all mapped out. On that sweet day 19 years ago, I never in a million years would have thought for a second my life would be what it is now. As wonderful as it is, it would not have made sense then. I’m so glad that we don’t get to see our future. Just one day at a time… living well and loving God and loving people.

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Seasons…Part of Living

July 26, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

today, tomorrow & every day – THOUGHTS ON LIVING A BRAVE AND REAL AND GORGEOUS LIFE. Written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Jill Labieniec.

Here are my continued thoughts on this amazing book I received as a gift.

“Things really changed,” she said, “when I started to be more generous to myself.”

“I began to try to live like a tree,” she said…

“Who understand that life is filled with seasons and each one has its worth. I stopped fearing the leaves falling away, the bare branches. I understood that spring would come, that summer would come, that it was all a part of my living.”

Seasons. I love the four seasons where I live! When the seasons change, so does life around us. We do things differently. Some seasons are more enjoyable than others. For me, winter is my least favorite. The sun does not shine as much and it’s cold. It takes more work to be outside. Occasionally I’m fearful of driving in winter weather. The lack of sunshine can cause some seasonal affective issues. We muddle through it and wait for spring.

Seasons of life are much the same. We experience things that change as time goes on.

Some seasons are wonderful! When relationships are thriving…life is good. When our job is going well… .life is good. When our health is strong… life is good.

At times we go through seasons that are not so wonderful. Troubled relationships… job stress or unemployment… health issues.

When in a season of struggle, I used to pray for it to be over or not happen at all. Over time I’ve learned to lean into the struggle and ride the wave…waiting for the Lord to show His presence. He never told us life would be easy, but He did tell us that He would be alongside us or holding us tight. It took some really difficult seasons for me to learn this. I’ve learned to praise Him in the storm.

Be still and know that I am God… my favorite Psalm. It’s being still in winter and finding the joy of the season I like the least. When things are tough, I’ve experienced great peace while life is crumbling around me. Pressing in to the Lord helps get us through the difficult time and ushers us into the next season.

I’ll be honest. I’ve never had a difficult season that has lasted for great lengths of time. I’ve known people that permanently live in struggle… at least in my perception. They’ve learned to stop fearing the struggle and find the joys. In a sense, they move in and out of joy and struggles in one day.

Seasons come and seasons go… that is all part of our lives. I want to be like that tree that stands tall and still as the seasons move around me. I want to be strong, even when I feel weak. I want to be full of life, even when I might be empty. I want to be more generous with myself… even when it’s difficult.

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Resiliency and Growth Over Time…

July 15, 2016July 15, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life1 Comment

today, tomorrow & every day – THOUGHTS ON LIVING A BRAVE AND REAL AND GORGEOUS LIFE. Written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Jill Labieniec.

Here are my continued thoughts on this amazing book I received as a gift.

She hadn’t always been this way. She hadn’t always been as strong and resilient and brave and joyful.

Like any garden or work of art, it had taken her a long time to make things the way there were. To learn. To arrange. To rearrange.

Sometimes, she grew as such in one year as others do in five. It showed in her spirit. In her laugh. It looked and it sounded like wisdom. And she liked it that way.

53 years. I’ve come along way. The change really started noticeably happening when I turned 50. But seeds were planted long before that. Life events that required me to be strong and resilient and brave… and joyful…regardless.

At times I stayed the same for many years. Other times I grew more quickly. I can look back now and see those moments in time.

Moving away from everyone and everything I knew and loved, to teach in California at the ripe old age of 23!
Moving back home to WA to pursue a job near family and not having success… back to CA I went!
Living alone in a strange house during a large earthquake.
Getting married at the age of 34… step-parenting with an ex that hated me!
Moving to a new city in CA and getting a new job… starting over.
Caring for my step daughter as she recovered from a horrific accident and a traumatic brain injury. (This one made me brave and strong and resilient and selfless)
Divorce… everything I ever believed about myself was challenged and questioned.
Sold my condo and moved back to WA.
New job… again.
Bought a house on my own.
Married the love of my life… step parent to three young children.
Lost both parents and one of my sisters.
Turned 50 and said, “The hell with it! I’m done trying to please everyone!”

Now I continue on this journey to live a brave and real and gorgeous life! I’ve got a lot of scars and old wounds to heal, as well as many wonderful memories to hold on to! I’ve listened to many people who have shared wisdom and counsel with me. I’ve shared my experiences with many… passing along the same. I’ve also talked less and listened more. I was recently told by someone very special to me that talking to me brought her peace. That must be what wisdom looks and sounds like. Jesus in skin.

How have you changed over time? What has happened your life to make you strong and resilient?

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today, tomorrow & every day…

July 14, 2016July 14, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

I recently received a very beautiful book from a friend.

today, tomorrow & every day THOUGHTS ON LIVING A BRAVE AND REAL AND GORGEOUS LIFE. Written by M.H. Clark and illustrated by Jill Labieniec.

Aside from the powerful content of the writing, the book itself is beautiful, filled with illustrations and photographs. It is put together in the most amazing way visually. I read the words on the pages and was brought to tears. This book is speaking to the very place I am in my life and the direction I am heading.

I decided to share it with you… a little bit at a time accompanied by my personal reflections. You will get to experience the words, but will have to envision the pictures as your heart and mind see them.

It starts like this…

One day she stepped back and took a look at her life. A long, close look. As though it were a city she loved and she was flying high above it, so high that she could see the whole thing.

And she realized something: She liked what she saw. She liked where she had been. She liked where she was going.

When I read these first two pages, I paused and didn’t really want to turn the page. These words were rich and powerful. I closed my eyes and imagined looking at my life. I was overwhelmed. My mind went to more negative thoughts at first, but I was able to change my perspective. I “flew higher” and looked at the whole big picture. I was not completely sold on “liking” what I saw… thus the negative perspective. I realized that I have some work to do! I want to like what I see. I want to like where I’ve been. And I really want to like where I’m going.

And so the journey began! I didn’t realize until I opened the pages of this book that I am right here on this journey… at age 53, longing to live a brave and real and gorgeous life… today, tomorrow and every day. I don’t want to wish away days until something better comes along or changes. I want to be real and courageous today! I want to live out this life well.

As I unravel years and look closely at my life, I hope by the end I WILL like what I see, where I’ve been and where I’m going. This journey won’t be possible without Jesus, my family and amazing friends. I have all of those and I’m blessed.

Come along on this journey with me and begin today by stepping back and taking a look at your life. What do you see? Do you like it?

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Standing in the Gap…

June 25, 2016June 25, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

I love to pray. I love when people reach out for prayer and I can intercede on their behalf. I don’t take prayer lightly. When I say I will pray for someone, I pray. I stand in the gap for them.

A friend recently asked me what I meant by “stand in the gap.” She had her idea of what it meant, but she wanted to know what I meant by it.

I once heard “standing in the gap” used and I liked it. It was a different way to say I’m praying for you. It originates from the Bible verse in Ezekiel 22:30.

I looked for someone who might rebuild the wall of righteousness that guards the land. I searched for someone to stand in the gap in the wall so I wouldn’t have to destroy the land, but I found no one. (NLT)

The wall in this verse refers to people united in there efforts to resist evil. It was unsuccessful because it was built on religious rituals and messages not founded on God’s will. The people were crying out for spiritual reconstruction. (Taken from NIV Life Application Bible Commentary)

When someone is hurting and in need of prayer, I like to stand before God in that space where the enemy resides as he tries to intervene and destroy. Cries for prayer send the enemy into action. He slips into that gap between the person and God. I like to stand in that gap and keep the enemy out, calling on God on their behalf.

When I’m reaching out for prayer, I’m not always at my strongest spiritually. I love knowing that I can reach out to others to stand in that gap and keeping that space holy and sacred… keeping the enemy out.

Standing in the gap…

When we pray for someone we are doing just that. It’s not a fancy version of praying or better than praying. It IS praying. We all do it when we reach out and pray for another soul. This brings me great comfort.

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Grief Revisited…

June 24, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

It takes only a song, a smell, a memory shared on FB, a sound, a picture, a date on the calendar… and the grief comes flooding back. Fresh as the day it began.

Today was just that… a date on the calendar. Four months to the day. A time on the clock. It happened right now. The emotions and sadness and heaviness surfaced back up to the top of the heap. I’ve worked so hard to let them go… to quell the sadness… to replace the sorrow with sweet memories that make me smile instead of cry. Her reminders around the house have brought me peace and comfort… until today.

Grief doesn’t happen in a straight line.

Those were the best words ever shared with me by a counselor I sat with for a year after my divorce. And how true they were. I’ve shared them with many friends over the past ten years as they’ve walked through the various stages of grief.

Today I was caught off guard and had to practice what I’ve been preaching!

Four months ago the tears were daily… many times a day. That tapered down to once a day and then several times a week. Eventually the tears have subsided; replaced by a smile and a little whisper that I miss her.

This afternoon felt raw and fresh. Tears. That lost feeling deep in my soul. How has it been four months? It feels like it just happened.

Tonight I’m upstairs preparing a space for a new little kitten (or two!) to join our household. It scares me to turn them loose in our huge old house so I’m creating a space that is smaller and more contained. Eventually they can graduate to the big house!

As I’m sitting here in my rocking chair that Abigail and I spent many hours sharing, I’m having a moment. I feel like the widow that visits her late husbands grave asking him to release her to move on and love again. It sounds crazy, but it’s real. I am, in a sense, asking Abigail to release me to love another kitten or two. Up until now it’s felt like betrayal. How can I love another cat like I’ve loved Abigail for 16 years?

Tonight’s grief revisited has been a blessing. It purged another layer of grief and nudged me to begin to prepare for new life in our home. Once I have the space prepared and the essentials purchased and staged, I will begin the search. I know God will put the right little eyes and ears in my path at just the right moment. Our hearts will connect and a new story will begin.

Abigail’s story will not be forgotten. There will never be another Bubba Girl, but there will be new memories to make and a new one to love and grow with. It’s time. This grief revisited has opened a new door of possibilities and adventures.

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Entering the Throne Room…

April 16, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on Life2 Comments

“In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” -Psalm 5:3

It’s so easy… yet so hard. I’m up early before leaving for work. I can’t just get up and go. I need time to prepare for the day. I need coffee and quiet time. I’ve got all of the tools necessary. Quiet and comfortable location (several options), coffee, journal and favorite pen, bible (several) and time.

GO!

Good morning, Lord…

Suddenly a million distractions come my way.

Oh wait! I need to find a good worship song (on my iPad!).

Now that scripture would be great to put on a photograph… and then I can put it on Instagram!

Hmmm, I wonder if anyone has commented on the one I put on yesterday? I’ll just check real quick…

Oh ya, my bible plan… back to business.

Lord, thank you for this new day. Please give me strength to get through this day and…

Wait! What time is it? Shoot, I need to be in the shower in 5 minutes!

I wonder if anyone commented on the photo album I put on FB last night? I’ll just do a quick check before jumping in the shower!

And that it how it plays out more mornings than I care to admit. To quote a great movie, “Squirrel!”

Some mornings are much better and my time is spent indulging in the sacredness of my Heavenly Papa.

While I’m confessing my innate ability to botch my morning quiet time with Jesus, some mornings don’t have any quiet time at all, although that is rare. I’ve tried to exercise first thing and that has been a disaster! I’ll save that for later in the day… if I get to it! Oh my, that is another blog for another day!

The other evening I was reading Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning. In the summer of 1992 he spent time alone in a cabin in the Colorado Rockies without TV, radio or any reading material. After reading about his experience I began to ponder what that would be like. Time alone with God with nothing else. No distractions but our own demons that keep us from that sweet time with the Lord. How long would it take before I could truly “be still and know”? (Psalm 46:10)

I wonder what I’m missing by letting the things of the world get in my way? What sacred indulgence does God have for me that I’ve missed because I’m too busy getting my sanctuary ready to be with Him?

What am I afraid of? Why is it difficult to go to the throne room without my coffee and journal and bible (AKA my iPad full of distractions)…?

Lord, Show me how to simply come before You and be in Your presence… uninterrupted so that I may partake of Your sacred indulgences awaiting me. In Jesus’ name… let it be done, let it be so…

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Sacred Indulgence…

April 10, 2016April 10, 2016 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

This past week I went on a trip to visit my sister. Away from home. Away from all of the responsibilities of my daily life.

While on my little getaway, we snuck away for a few days to a spa on the bay. On our way up we detoured and visited the tulip fields – a bucket list item for me. We took a sonic drive off the beaten path and the scenery was spectacular. Once to our destination the sun began to peak out. Our room was beautiful and the view spectacular. We ate out, walked along the water, shopped, and strolled around the little town. We also just relaxed and did a little bit of nothing.

While this was amazing, I found myself thinking about all of the things I should have been attending to at home during spring break.

Many people I know take these little trips all the time. It’s their normal. Not mine. This isn’t even a once a year even for me. It was truly a treat!

My ability to let down and relax is difficult. After all, I should be home taking care of my responsibilities. Now was the time to test a new way of thinking and acting!

On our last evening, we scheduled massages at the spa. Wow! The experience from start to finish was wild. Like nothing I’ve ever done. It was all about me the entire time. Life is rarely all about me. I’m all about everyone else from my job to my home. I spend most every day taking care of others.

I found parts of the spa experience easy to partake of, while others were difficult. The hardest part was not talking for an entire hour! And for that one hour I did absolutely nothing! I was completely still except for the actual massage happening. That doesn’t even happen when I sleep, as I toss and turn all night!

The massage was just part of a week of indulgences. An indulgence is the attitude of allowing yourself or someone else to have something enjoyable. It was a wonderful time! I had to step out of myself and let people “indulge” me. I had to…no, I GOT to… receive rather than give. That is a tough one for me. It is difficult for me to let others do for me. I am much more comfortable giving than receiving.

As I’ve contemplated the week, I’ve been drawn to think about my relationship with the Lord. I’m good at giving to Him. I give Him my “prayers” or lists of things I’d like Him to help me with. I give Him time most days, but honestly I’m usually pretty busy during that time. The hard part for me is what I’m going to call a “sacred indulgence.” It’s that time where I get to let Jesus love on me and I do absolutely nothing but receive from him. It’s that time when I am being still and know that He is God… He is in control, not me. Quieting myself to receive all that He has for me. Indulging in His grace and love. It’s free and I don’t have to travel far from home. It costs nothing but my intentional, uninterrupted time and willingness to let go and let Him love on me…a sacred indulgence.

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It’s Not a Sprint…

February 16, 2015February 16, 2015 Thoughts and Reflections on LifeLeave a comment

As I continue down this path to better health, I’m learning more and more about myself each day. Today I ventured out on another walk by myself. I’m rather enjoying these solo treks as they give me time to breathe, process, let go, pray and just BE. I decided to head to the high school and walk the track on this sunny day, knowing the entire track would be in the bright sunshine! I have a routine. First I begin in lane one and each time I loop around I switch to another lane working my way to lane 8. Walking alone gives me “think time.”

Today I had a huge revelation about myself and why I chose to go to the track and not walk the neighborhoods. The track is predictable. I know where I am, where I’m going and how to get home. When I walk the neighborhoods, I am not always sure where I am. I get caught up in looking at yards and houses, allowing my mind to get distracted by those things. On the track, I don’t have to think about where I am or where I’m going. Being that this whole exercise thing is something I’m learning to like, it felt good to have a little control of the situation. I like things to be planned out and predictable. I wish I were more spontaneous and daring. I love the comfort of the track.

Today there were three high school girls there with a track coach. They were warming up and then moved to the other side of the track and were working on starts for their sprints. They were coming out of those starting blocks very quickly. I tried to steer clear of their work while still keeping to my 1-8 lane progression! As I watched them come up out of those blocks quickly, I realized something else about my journey. This journey is not a sprint. I can’t think that I can do everything fast and furious to get quick results. I did not get fat overnight and I won’t change overnight.

Today is Day 15 and I was very discouraged over the weekend. I don’t look different at all. I feel better, but nothing has changed as far as my body. Another mindset that I need to let go of. Just because I have done good things for a few weeks does not mean I’m good to go and a changed woman! Past failures can be linked to this very mindset flaw. I’m in this for the long haul, not for a short sprint. I am changing old habits and old belief systems. First and foremost, my goal is better health so I can live my remaining days on this earth active and able to fulfill God’s calling on my life. I want to feel good each day as I get out of bed and have energy to attack the day! I want to be fit for the day when we have grandchildren! It is not going to happen overnight. It’s a daily decision I make to love myself enough to make good choices and afford myself the time to take care of ME.

My initial goal was February. I can do anything for 28 days. After that I was not sure what I would do, because deep down I thought that in those 28 days my life would be transformed and I would be “normal.” I’m still looking to the end of February to celebrate the initial goal I set, but I know that I like this and want to continue into the rest of my days! I’ve now set another goal for my 52nd birthday and I honestly think I can get there! Funny thing about it is that it’s going to take time and energy and work… all things that I have to do. No one can do them for me. I have to love myself enough to make it work! My biggest supporter, God, has assured me that He will never let go of me or my dream. Together… we’ve got this!

So, today I celebrate 14 days of healthy eating and close to 20 miles of walking! It feels great! I’m encouraged! I hope you are encouraged if you need that today. If I can do this… so can you! If you are doubting that you can make changes in an area of your life, invite God to join you and love yourself enough to try it today! One foot in front of the other!